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In Stand Up For What’s Right, Regardless I said that “when we choose to continue in a dysfunctional marriage we give our children and those around us a bad example. We also send a bad message to the world.” That very much applies to a dysfunctional sex life.
When Lori and I had a poor sex life because of her past abuse, I pushed for improvement. Looking back I realise I pushed a bit too much, but I think the pushing was right. But here’s the thing, I could not have done that pushing just based on my wanting more sex. I had all the doubts and fears many men have about sex and I think I would have retreated if I was just pushed by my own desire.
But I knew that God intends a couple to have regular sex. I also knew sex is supposed to be good for both husband and wife, so I was after more than just her “putting out.”
It’s impossible to draw a line here, but if you and your wife are not having sex you both enjoy twice a week, you’re probably falling short of what God intends. I say probably because life circumstances could affect that.
If you’re going to push for a change sexually, please be very clear you want your wife to enjoy sex. Don’t give her any reason to think you’re just chasing more sex for yourself. And while I do think there is an obedience to scripture issue here, presenting it that way could easily come across wrong.
The big question is why are you not having more sex? What is preventing it? What would have to change? Are you willing to make changes in your schedule or behaviour to get from here to there?
Obviously, this needs to start with a discussion or perhaps multiple discussions. You need to understand her heart and her reality. Only then can the two of you work on change.
The other thing here is to give your wife some idea of what you think would be acceptable. If your sex drive has been presented as a bottomless pit she can never satisfy, you need to change that. Just because you could do it every day and three times on Saturday doesn’t mean that’s what you need or what’s right.
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I agree. It is a delicate line to walk but it does not to be done. I agree on the Scriptural obedience issue as well both that it is such an issue and that it can be taken wrong. I know I in my logical 1+1=2 brain didn’t understand why she would withhold when it was so plainly commanded and somewhere in the early years of our marriage, I mentioned it. I don’t remember exactly how that went at this point, just that I did. I also know that it didn’t produce the, “You’re right! I’ll repent and make that right immediately” reaction I expected from my spiritually sensitive, Christian wife, which baffled me. It was years later that I learned that bringing that up in a context of, “I want more sex and Scripture says we aren’t to defraud each other so why am I not getting more” context tends to produce the opposite reaction in wives (and presumably in husbands similarly disobeying Scripture) to what one might logically expect. I think it triggers some sort of defense mechanism in their mind.
Either way, I know that it became a really raw nerve for my wife. In more recent years, I learned in one of our marriage counseling sessions that she saw it as a form of spiritual abuse. I’ve since learned that any time Scripture is used as the reason why she needs to change behavior or even as a reason why I might be concerned for her spiritual state, it is seen as spiritual abuse.
I’m really not sure what that means from a standpoint of being the spiritual leader of the home, as we were both raised to believe I should be. It seems to me to be a seriously crippling development. I’m still praying and looking for answers regarding that. I did find it interesting considering her reaction that Scripture was frequently used to point out sins that I needed to repent of as we went through counseling and that was in no way regarded as spiritual abuse. So, I’m more confused than ever.
Anyway, all that to say that I would recommend much care in bringing 1 Corinthians 7 into the discussion. That may be something your spouse will need to hear from a pastor, Christian brother, or your marriage counselor.
Twice a week, 8 times a month, would be great! Sadly I don’t think we are doing that in a year. Sex is so awesome, it should be so organic. I tell myselfI I am never bringing this subject up again but of course what am I to do? It’s been way too long. We hide the fact that my husband is asexual. Everybody we know sees us as a great example of a married couple. I know it would disappoint everyone and be a bad example to blow our marriage up and leave. I really know this will never ever change. He is a good man, and generous in other ways but sex is just NOT his thing. I have done everything, he enjoys it in the moment but never crosses his mind again. It is NOT at ALL the same to have sex with someone you have to beg for it from. You don’t have pride in your marriage. I want to feel wanted, I feel broken and alone. It’s 5:00 am and I can’t sleep. I don’t want an affair, I don’t want to watch porn and pretend with a plastic copy of a penis. It is so unfulfilling so lonely in this marriage. He tells me how much he loves me. Is this really Loving me??? Not listening to literally my CRY for his physical attention?? I hate losing at anything ! ! ! But this is a game for 2 and my husband is a sleep under the bench ! ! ! While His phone is still running political news, facebook, text from buddies. No one knows he couldn’t care less about sex. No body knows he doesn’t care about kissing, making love, Vagina. Boobs are just for the purpose of feeding babies??? I don’t think most men think this way. This is so dysfunctional.