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Aside from the good surprise kind, secrets have no place in a marriage. If your wife knows you’re keeping secrets it’s hurting your marriage. If she suspects you are keeping secrets that will hurt your marriage too.
What qualifies as a secret? Pretty much anything you don’t share; even if it’s “no big deal“. In part, this is about communication and intimacy; she wants to know all about you, your world, your thoughts, dreams, and fears. If you’re not sharing yourself in that way, it feels to her like you are keeping secrets.
Does that mean you have to share everything? Does it mean you need to give her every detail? Odds are she doesn’t care that much. Give her the highlights, then follow up if and where she shows interest. It’s more about being willing to share anything.
Does not keeping secrets mean you should share things others tell you in confidence? That’s a decision you need to make for your marriage – and I’d suggest you discuss it with your wife. If your job puts you in contact with classified or private information, you’ll need to work within the bounds of the law and any confidentiality requirements.
Beyond that, you need to be honest with yourself about your wife’s ability to keep a secret; if you share something with her, is there a chance it will go beyond her? Also, ask yourself if knowing something shared with you in confidence will change how your wife treats that person in a negative way,
If you decide to share anything and everything, be sure to make that clear to those who might be affected. Your friends need to know you’re not going to keep their secrets from your wife. That doesn’t mean you will share everything they say or do, but it does mean you might. Personally, I think this is a good thing and it can keep you from ending up in a bad spot.
[This post first appeared Jan 05, 2012.]
A post worth reading:
The Romantic Vineyard | Happy Place ◄ A great discussion to have with your wife.
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