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It’s sadly common for me to see men here and women on the XY Code say “I’d like to do that, but my spouse…” I’ve seen this about doing something or doing more of it. I’ve also seen about not doing something or doing less of it.
Now I’m all about considering each other and sacrificing for each other. I’ve done plenty of that, as has Lori. But there has to be a limit. We also need to differentiate between not doing something out of love for our spouse and not doing it because of manipulation or out of fear of being “punished” in some way. I’ve seen men become friendless because of their wife controlling their time use. I’ve seen men separated from their parents and I’ve seen them miserable about spending large amounts of time with her dysfunctional family. I’ve seen healthy hobbies abandoned and altruistic efforts ended.
Sometimes you have to do something your wife will hate because it’s the right thing to do. Other times you need to do it because you want to and your wife has become far too controlling. The issue then is about setting healthy marriage boundaries.
I realise this is very similar to what I said on Tuesday. I’m hitting it again because I see so many broken men who should’ve stood up a decade earlier. Human nature is to push an advantage and if you let your wife control you a bit now, it will be a lot later. Ignore it and it will become a major problem. We usually let things go because we want peace at home. We also let things go because we want piece in bed. When we consider the cost of our compliance for any single choice, it may not look too bad. But if you add it up and consider the way things are progressing, it looks very different.
Allowing your wife to manipulate you is not loving. It’s bad for you. It’s bad for your marriage. And it’s also bad for your wife because it means she doesn’t have the kind of marriage God wants her to have. If you’ve been married less than a year and are starting to see this pattern develop, nipping it in the bud shouldn’t be too difficult. If you’ve allowed it to grow for years, dealing with it will be neither easy nor pleasant.
Ultimately only you can decide if the price you will pay for challenging controlling behaviour is worth it to you. But please consider the chance that a decade from now you will regret letting it continue. Your wife is a very important part of your life, but she can’t be your whole life.
A post worth reading:
PsyPost | Psychologists have uncovered a key factor that helps to thwart romantic avoidance ◄ Positive relationship events in everyday life help avoid relationship problems.
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