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I’ve never been shy about letting y’all know I enjoy a great sex life with my wife. Part of the reason for it being what it is would be the fact that Lori is generous about everything, including sex. But that’s not the most important reason our sex life is good.
The big one is the fact that my wife wants and enjoys sex for herself.
I talk a lot about making sure your wife enjoys sex. I primarily do that because it’s the right thing to do. But it also happens to be critical to having the kind of sex life most of you want.
If she’s not that kind of woman, what can you do to help her become that way? It’s difficult because of gender-based sex differences. Beyond your own confusion, odds are much of what you’ve learned about sex came from men who didn’t understand female sexuality nearly as much as they thought.
It’s About The Relationship
The first thing to understand is that for most women, sex is inseparable from their relationship with their sex partner. If she feels distant from you, she doesn’t want sex, and if she does it she won’t enjoy it. If you’ve been rude or hurtful, having sex will make her feel used.
If your relationship is strained, the best thing you can do is NOT ask for sex. Work on the relationship so she won’t see asking for sex as an insult.
Physical Pleasure Is Not The Ultimate Goal
The second thing you need to know is that physical pleasure is not as important to her as it is to you. When sex is good her pleasure can eclipse yours substantially and she certainly enjoys that; but the mental, emotional, and relational aspects of sex are important to her. When those things are good, the physical is even better and she can fully enjoy it. When I said above that if she does have sex she won’t enjoy it, I was talking about the non-physical parts. Some women orgasm even when they don’t want sex, and sadly most husbands take an orgasm as proof she wanted and enjoyed the sex. An orgasm means her body works. That’s ALL it means.
The other thing about this is most women won’t do something just because it results in great orgasms. I hear this from men who can’t understand why their wife won’t let him go down on her because she always has great orgasms when he does. If receiving oral sex is difficult for her for some mental or emotional reason, having the best orgasm ever won’t make it okay. You pushing her to let you do it won’t make her feel good about you or sex, and trying to get her to do it by “reminding” her how hard she came last time will only make it worse.
Her Cool-Down Is Slower
Both physically and emotionally her cool-down takes longer. You go soft shortly after you climax, but she stays swollen for far longer after her climax. Emotionally you’re satisfied and ready to go to sleep or move on with life. But she still feels connected. Imagine having intercourse with her on top and as soon as she knew you were at the point of no return she got off and left you to ejaculate into the air. You would feel cheated, wouldn’t you? When you fall asleep or jump out of bed too quickly you’re doing the same thing to her emotionally.
If you want your wife to desire and enjoy sex, you have to give her the kind of sex a woman craves. If you’ve been doing it wrong for years, just changing may not make a difference. Let her know you realise you haven’t been giving her what she needs and you’re ready to start doing that. Encourage her to give you feedback both positive and negative to help you.
A post worth reading:
PsyPost | Greater religiosity is tied to a more satisfying sex life, according to a British national survey ◄ “Moreover, married women with stronger religious beliefs had higher sexual satisfaction than married women with weaker religious beliefs.”
Image Credit: © Roman | stock.adobe.com
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Still trying to figure out how we can get the relationship part straightened enough for her to want it. I’m beginning to think ours is permanently broken.
That aside, we’re kinda switched on the afterglow. I’m the one who wants to stay there and savor the remaining closeness from our lovemaking. She has started doing better but for most of our marriage she would roll immediately out of bed to go clean up so she could move on to the next thing on her to do list. Being on a to do list might sound fun but not when it’s on par with cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry in her mind. No matter what I do for our relationship and no matter how mind-blowing her orgasm may be, she just could not see it as something to be desired.
I’m fairly certain that at least part of that is because she likes things clean and neat. She cannot stand to have the remnants of our lovemaking running onto the sheets or floor. She sees it as gross. That’s something else I’ve tried to explain was that for me and many others that’s a wonderful reminder of the amazing experience we just shared and not just something vile to be washed away ASAP amid barely suppressed shudders of revulsion. I haven’t made any real progress there either.