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This is a follow-up on Thursday’s Have You Lost That Loving Habit? post.
Good, regular sex is very much about habit. It’s part of what the couple does and they make room for it in both their minds and their schedules. That doesn’t necessarily mean they schedule sex, but it does mean they leave time for it to occur. It might mean things like usually going to bed together or taking a “nap” on Sunday afternoons.
It can be difficult to have sex when you are out of the habit. Lori and I talked to a couple who both wanted to have sex after more than a year of not doing it, but it felt weird to them. Other times both husband and wife want sex, or more sex, but they have so filled their lives with other things they don’t have the time to do it right.
Another factor is that many women say the more they have sex the more they want it and the easier it is to get turned on and to reach climax. For these women, making sex a habit is critical.
Some people think sex should “just happen”. But that’s not realistic or practical. If you lived on a deserted island and had a lot of time on your hands that might work. But busy people make time for what matters to them because it matters to them.
If sex used to be a habit but no longer is, or if it’s never been a habit, please have a discussion about that with your wife. This is not a “we need to have more sex talk”. It’s about being intentional about sex. Be sure that what she needs to feel ready for sex is also part of the conversation and make those things habits too.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | Downfall of overconfidence ◄ Find a sane balance between confidence and humility.
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My wife was diagnosed with a very rare muscle disease and sex is not an option. She also does not seem to have any interest in a physical relationship.
My husband and I are each other’s only sexual partner, and we slipped up and started having sex 9 months into dating. After 14 months of doing that, we stopped cold turkey and agreed to not have sex again until we got married 3 years later, which we stuck to except for 3-4 times. Unfortunately, that break got us out of the habit of having sex. This past week was our 8th anniversary, and I can still say we’ve probably had sex less than 500 times in our lives. Having a 5, 3 & 1 year old don’t help with it either, nor does the fact that he was a very selfish lover in the beginning and neither of us ever had much drive to figure out my sexuality, him because of his selfishness and me because of my purity culture shame around sex in general and feeling like it wasn’t something that was for me.
I’ve done a lot of growing and changing my viewpoints in the past 4 years or so, and my husband is slowly starting to realize that he’s been a very selfish lover for the past 13 years. I’m hopeful that once our kids are older, we’ll maybe be able to have the kind of sex life I was hoping we’d have once we got married. But who knows: habits are hard to break, especially for my husband who has a lot of very unhealthy habits he’s seemingly unable to escape.
@N Habit can be a cruel taskmaster. Look for ways to shake things up. When you move outside of where he has habits it will be easier for him to change.