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This is my final post based on information from When Baby Makes Three, the 2011 State of Our Unions a report from the National Marriage Project.
The study showed something interesting about income. How much money a couple had was far less important than how much “financial pressure and debt” they had. In my words, being poor is not a marriage problem, but being heavily in debt is a problem no matter how much money or how many nice things the couple has. Among couples with “below average or average financial stress“, half of men and women said they were very happy in marriage. When a couple had above-average financial stress, only 34% of women and 43% of men said the same. The amount of consumer debt a couple carries shows showed similar results, especially for women. For those with no such debt, 48% said they were very happy and divorce proneness was only 18%. For couples with $10,000 to $19,000 of consumer debt (in 2011 dollars), those figures were 40% very happy, and 23% divorce proneness. Please note that this issue is more important to women, especially women with children. You can’t make her feel better by downplaying or hiding the issue, you need to deal with it!
The study showed, as have others before it, that women were happier when they felt household chores were shared equally. What is somewhat surprising is that men were also more likely to be happy in their marriage when they felt the housework was shared evenly. Rates of “very happy in marriage” were 50% for both men and women in marriages where the work was not shared equally. This went up to 59% for men and 64% for women when housework was evenly shared.
The good news from this study is that there are a number of things we men can do to make our marriages better. Being more generous, seeking out those who will support our marriages, doing our share of the housework, and getting our finances in order will all result in greater marital happiness for both you and your wife. Those things also reduce the odds of divorce. Yes, great sex also does those things, and does it well, but if she’s not about that yet, work on the things listed above. As she feels better about the marriage, things may change sexually without you saying anything. Even if this doesn’t happen, it puts you in a better place to deal with the sexual side of marriage.
[This post first appeared Dec 20, 2011.]
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Wait. So is this all marriages or marriages where both work outside the home? I mean, I try to help out where I can but I work outside the home, I work on the home itself, the cars, etc. She does do an as you have spare time work from home job right now that she does as kind of a ministry thing but she is a stay at home mom by choice. She could make as much as I do outside the home and we could afford then to pay someone else to clean and work on the house and cars. Does this mean I should be trying to make it possible for my wife to be a stay at home mom AND do half the housework? I don’t think I possibly could at this point. I would never sleep, especially if I took half the list that she thinks needs done all the time. What does this mean for the different situations?
If you work outside the home, and your wife does not, splitting chores fairly is not making sure that you do the same number of hours of chores that your wife does; rather, it is more about pulling your own weight around the house and acting like her partner. I work outside the home but when I was home with my kids (I took really long maternity leaves, 6 months with each child), my husband did more chores, not less. A wife who stays home with the kids literally is always on. Her job never ends. It’s not Monday-Friday, 8-5. It’s 24-7. And that’s hard and takes its toll. So a husband can support his stay-at-home wife by making an occasional meal for the family — even once or twice a week is so helpful! — and if she cooks, then he is the one cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, loading the dishwasher, etc. He can take the kids in the backyard for an hour in the evening so his wife can have an hour to herself to rest, read, shower, check out on her phone, or watch a show. He can do some chores on the weekend, like a load of laundry, or a quick vacuum. It’s about treating your wife like your partner and not like your free maid. It’s about sharing the load because you are both adults in the same household and so you both contribute. Lastly, if a man worked 40 hours a week, but was unmarried and lived alone, surely he would have to do his own housework in that case? (I don’t know a single bachelor who uses a cleaning lady.) He would manage to go to the grocery store and do his own laundry. So at the very minimum, he should still be pitching in at that level if he is married and his wife stays at home. It’s not about making it 50:50– it’s about partnership and not taking one another for granted.
Yes, and I do try to help where I can. I just wanted to clarify as it can be taken to mean something different than I suspected was intended. I have known some who suggested that the husband come home from work and take over at home so the wife can have the rest of the night off since she’s had a long, hard day cleaning, shopping for groceries, etc. not once or twice a week but daily. One or two really seemed to push for the husband to still do half the cleaning and other household chores even if he’s the only one working outside the home. Now that’s great, if he can do that, but it seemed a bit much. Especially if, like me, the husband is often up after the wife is in bed so he can usher the kids to bed and then gets up a couple of hours before she does in the morning so he can get ready for work. I was pretty sure that wasn’t what was being suggested here but thought it might be good to make it clear in writing.
@Pa’dam – All marriages. The key here is “they *felt* household chores were shared equally”. If hubby is working outside of the home and the wife is not, she will likely feel he is doing his share even if she is doing more.
Ah, ok. That makes sense