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I did some reading on anthropologist Helen Fisher for a post on The XY Code. Fisher has studied brain chemistry for decades, looking at how it affects our personalities and relationships. She says couples can improve their relationship by leveraging neurochemistry. She suggests three activities to maintain romantic love and form a deep attachment in long-term relationships.
One of her three is engaging in novel activities together. This pumps up the dopamine system. Dopamine is a stimulant. It makes us feel energetic, optimistic, and even euphoric. It’s a big part of our attraction to each other and doing things as a couple that increase dopamine can facilitate feeling love for each other. It causes romantic feelings more than sexual desire and romantic feelings are critical for a long healthy marriage.
So what qualifies as a novel activity? Anything new, anything different than what you’ve done before. So something I find normal or even old hat could be novel to you and your wife. When Lori and I travelled the US by RV we did things we had never done before many times a week. We went places we’d never gone, we did things we’d never done, we ate new foods, and we met new people. And our love was stronger when we got home than when we left. I suspect my drive to try new things and my wife’s willingness to join me for some of that is part of why we have such a strong marriage.
Novel need not be wild, scary, or unusual. Going to a new restaurant or seeing a new movie would qualify. Playing a new game or reading a book together will do it. I suspect big things or very different things have a more powerful impact. For example, a friend who took her husband skydiving for his birthday. But a lot of little things will work too.
What new thing will you do with your wife this week? What about next week? What big new thing can you do before the end of the year? The quality of your marriage is riding on it.
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When my husband and I went through a very rough patch about 5 years ago, we nearly got divorced but instead pursued marriage counseling with a licensed professional therapist, and in rebuilding our relationship, we intentionally tried new activities together, specifically adventurous ones. (To me, trying a new restaurant together is not really a new activity.) We took ski lessons at a local mountain and ended up loving it, and now we ski together all winter long. (We we’re both in our 30s, have never skied before, I don’t like the cold, and I’m not that coordinated or athletic, so if I can do it, anyone can!) We also did scuba diving lessons and became certified and now we occasionally dive together if we are in an area that offers it. We went rock climbing and zip lining. We took a language class together. I would definitely corroborate the positive effect of doing something new together— it is such an exhilarating and bonding experience. And the more adventurous/risky, the stronger the effect!
@Tory – Way to go all in!
Yes! I keep trying to get this. My wife doesn’t understand why it’s important to me. I missed a big one that we had been planning to do together from the time we got married. She had taken some classes and got a degree so her mom paid her way to go on a cruise with her and one other lady. I couldn’t afford the ticket or the hit to the paycheck if I took off work right then, didn’t have enough vacation yet at a new job anyway, and it was ladies ONLY. I hated to deny her the opportunity and really hoped she would remember that we had been planning to do it together as a first for over a decade and ask her mom for a rain check. She didn’t and I missed out.
Related story – When discussing our emotional wounds later, I mentioned that I was trying to let it go but that her going without me was a deep wound I was struggling to heal. She didn’t see the problem. Some time later (not sure if months or years at this point) we had a similar discussion and I mentioned that I was still struggling with it. She not only still didn’t see why it would be a problem, she expressed frustration that she would “apparently never live that down.” She then informed me that that cruise was too soon after we started working with marriage counselors and she wouldn’t have wanted to go with me anyway and besides, she would rather go with someone who had been before and knew what to do. She couldn’t fathom why I would want us both to go together for the first time. She looked like she truly could not fathom why I would. So I have ceased to discuss that aspect of my wounds with her since she has made it quite clear that she has no desire to help me heal or even hear about it again.
I still try to push for novel experiences together but that was the one big opportunity we agreed that we both wanted to experience. I find it is difficult to find things we are both interested in and she doesn’t do much to help there since she doesn’t see the draw of it. We also have pretty different ideas on what looks interesting and fun but I keep trying.
This comment went a little different than I’d intended. Sorry for the less than cheery feel to it.
@Pa’dam – Sounds like some pretty significant personality differences.
There are, though I think a lot of it has to do with past hurts, like the cruise thing. We both wanted that. We planned to do it and to do it together. It was going to be a special thing for our 20th anniversary. It being a first for both of us wasn’t mentioned as a drawback, as far as know. For me it actually made it extra special, which is apparently where the difference does come into play. If things had been different and I had been faithful, maybe it would have happened as planned. One reason she gave for why I shouldn’t see it as a problem was that she couldn’t have gone with me anyway after what had happened and the amount of time that had passed not being sufficient to heal enough for a trip like that. So, the past hurt spoiled it for me in her way of thinking with the added bonus that now she has been and has knowledge of what to do on the cruise. The fact that she is puzzled by the notion that what she finds a bonus not only is a negative to me but is a soul crushing disappointment that kills my desire to go on a cruise, that probably is personality difference.
@Pa’dam, but it sounds like you couldn’t join her on this cruise? Would you have felt better if she passed up the FREE VACATION her mom was offering and stayed home with you just so you both could have your “first cruise” together? I get you’re disappointed, I truly do. But you can still take her on a cruise and it can be your first cruise together as a couple. The fact that your wife had gone on a cruise with her mom shouldn’t take away from your experience. Personally, if my husband was offered a free vacation, I would try to pull all the stops to go with him, but if I couldn’t, I wouldn’t want him to stay home and miss out on the experience just to prove a point. I would want him to go and enjoy himself, and then tell me all about it when he got home, and maybe plan a “make-up” trip together as finances and vacation time allows. But I think you are choosing the wrong thing to begrudge her here. It doesn’t sound like you two planned to do a cruise together, and then she just booked one for herself to exclude you deliberately. Her mom invited her and paid her way! No, she couldn’t have just asked for a rain check… that’s not how cruises work. (A cruise, really?? Never been on one… a floating cell with 2,000 people where you sleep in a tiny state room and are just hoping to avoid catching a stomach bug? Anything you can do on a cruise you can do on land… but I digress… to each his own! 😜) Yeah, I would let this one go, and plan for that experience in the next 12 months to do as a couple.
In my head I agree with you. That was why I didn’t try to talk her out of it even though I desperately wanted her to wait for me. Part of it is the fact that it was the one and only thing we found that neither of us had done and both wanted to do and I was really looking forward to having a shared, mutual first experience. In over 20 years of marriage, we haven’t found anything else that fit those basic parameters. This one was special because we had neither one of us done it AND both wanted to with the added bonus of over a decade of looking forward to it only to lose it a few years before the time we’d set. As for the rain check, my thought wasn’t that the cruise line would give her one but that her mom could pay for a cruise AFTER we had shared ours instead of before.
Regardless, I’m aware that it is done and cannot be undone and I’m not looking for her to go back and change that. I have told myself countless times that it happened and there’s no point continuing to grieve about it. I’m actually not holding a grudge. What I was hoping for was that she would at least see my pain, acknowledge that I was hurting and that I had lost something precious. It’s what I was taught I needed to do for her as we pieced our marriage back together. I had done wrong and had acknowledged that apologized and asked her forgiveness and still I had to acknowledge the pain of what was lost in years of normal life, of joy, of time living what we had dreamed of doing, etc. and I had to apologize and ask forgiveness for that, acknowledge the pain I had caused and grieve with her. And, yes, I did and do grieve all of the things I cost us. She had to see the remorse before she could really begin to heal. All I was hoping for was that she would at least understand and acknowledge my pain. Instead, my pain is dismissed as nothing and I get anger that I haven’t kept it bottled up. We were supposed to be discussing our pain and hurts so that we could confront them and heal. That was/is one of my big ones. Why? I wish I knew so I could figure out how to let it die and be rid of it.
The truth is, we’ve done many things for the first time together as a couple that I had done before or that she had done before and one might expect that we could find SOMETHING else on par with that one that neither had done and both wanted to do. I keep looking for something else that qualifies but nothing I find interests her, especially not if we’ve neither one done it before. She’ll try a new restaurant with me and that’s special in it’s own way but even that was a concession on her part. She would rather go with a friend first and maybe go with me later. Why does that hurt so deeply? I can’t explain it so that I can understand, certainly not so she can understand, and I doubt that I could help you understand either. I don’t want to hold onto this pain. I want it to go away. I don’t care who’s fault it is at this point if it will just go away.
I think, honestly, that it would have had less effect had she done it when I was sinning against her. I know I deserve it anyway but we were supposed to be piecing things back together and we had this one precious thing still to look forward to that might give us some joy as a couple. To lose it then made it all the more painful, I think.
And, no, I didn’t do everything right as we worked on our marriage. A lot of what I messed up I literally have no memory of (tbi) but I know I made a lot of wrong moves, said a lot of wrong things, had wrong attitudes at times, and did some colossally stupid things. I know largely because she and our counselor told me I did. So, as I said, I know I deserved what happened. I deserved to lose that treasure. It just still hurts deeply and I wish I could see that she acknowledges my pain and grieves that it still hurts so much or at the very least that she knows and admits that it does hurt. Something. Any kind of grace and love towards my pain, however deserved.
As you say, I should let it go and move on. I want to. Can you tell me how? I’d really like to know.
Yes, I should have acknowledged that it sounds like your wife didn’t have the most compassionate response to your disappointment over the cruise, and that she sort of blew off how you felt. That probably hurt worse than missing the cruise. I really struggle to see how you can’t think of a single “first” to do with her though! Take a cue from my comment above: sign up for scuba lessons and certification together— many places offer it, like colleges or the YMCA. Or take ski lessons together. Or: have you ever done a really challenging ropes course with zip lining? That could be a first!
Thank you, Tory, for your comments, your kindness, and your compassion. After I thought through what I put in response to your response I feel like I had a kind of emotional explosion and that it was too much and might have come across like the wild animal that bites the kind hiker trying to free it from a trap. I apologize for that.
Yes, I think that did hurt worse. Thank you for validating my feelings. It means a lot.
As to your suggestions, I’ve suggested some of those but she isn’t interested in things like that. Growing up, I was the cautious one in my family while my brothers were wild and adventurous. I have discovered that my wife is the cautious one in our marriage. I’d love to go zip lining, scuba diving, or maybe even skydiving but it holds no interest for her. About the most adventurous I can get her these days is hiking or the afternoon riverboat sightseeing cruise we did a while back.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m still working on it. I’m just having a hard time finding a mutual first that she is interested in doing. If I could figure out how to make it happen, I’d love to take her to Israel someday but she didn’t seem very interested in that either.
Any more suggestions that are maybe less physically demanding or risky? She is more likely to be interested if it comes with a wide safety margin and doesn’t require an athlete’s fitness level. Think activities that would have been considered acceptable for a lady of nobility a couple of hundred years ago. It literally has to be something she can do in a long skirt. Between mid-shin and ankle length is her usual preferrence. She won’t wear pants at all, definitely not shorts, and even her bathing suits are of a cut and style she could wear to a church social, including a skirt. She has quite a narrow idea of interests but I’m absolutely open to ideas she might be willing to try.
Have you been to the Opera?
Ballet? Renaissance Faire? County Faire? Taken the fancy train that goes down the West coast/ into Canada? Alaskan cruise? Seeing the fjords in Scandinavia?
Book club? Taetop gaming? Toastmasters?
Glassblowing classes? Pottery classes? Painting?
Hmmm 🤔 Well, I’ve heard just enough opera to know I don’t like it and I know she agrees on that and ballet doesn’t appeal to me (plus she would be aghast at the lack of modesty) but…
I would LOVE to go to a Renaissance Faire (unfortunately she thinks I’m crazy and has no interest), we’ve both been to county fair’s separately then together but it would have been a nice first, I did suggest taking the fancy train that goes across Canada but she wasn’t interested in a long train ride (I don’t recall hearing about the one you mentioned but it sounds like something I might enjoy), we’ve discussed an Alaskan cruise and might do it yet , (though the idea was neither of us had been on any cruise and now she has. Kinda takes the shared novelty down a level but maybe), I would love to seen the fjords in Scandinavia but she seems uninterested (really not sure why),
I’m Im not sure I see how the book club applies, Taetop gaming? (Not sure what you mean here),Toastmasters? (What is this one?), I might be interested in
glassblowing classes and could suggest it but it doesn’t fit the kind of thing she finds interesting, the same goes for pottery classes, and painting.
A nice list of ideas for sure and several things I might enjoy. Thank you!
I never got back to the other thing I suspect factors in this. I grew up a youngest child. Even younger cousins generally got to experience things before I did and by the time I could, the others no longer cared about whatever I was now first experiencing. I would pretty much always be alone in my joy of the first experience while others scoffed because it was something they did years ago and they would let most of the air out of my balloon. I clung to the joy I could but I was alone. Often I wasn’t allowed to try some parts of a new experience because I was the only one who still wanted to when they had already tried. So my whoever was in charge would make me move on to whatever the others wanted to do. Sometimes a brother or cousin would even make fun of me for wanting to try. They had tried when they were younger do my wanting to try made me somehow less. Maybe you think I am childish and my treatment was justified. Maybe you don’t. I’m too tired to care anymore.
Anyway, I wanted something different with this. I wanted us to have the shiny, new joy of first experience together. Now I feel I will be repeating the same experience of her having been there, done that and there will be no point in wasting the time, money, or even the energy frankly.
I wish we could work through this all together, that she would help me to see that she cared and would love me and walk by my side as I faced the demons of my past. I think maybe my persistent pain at the loss of that precious, long-held dream might be the key to healing the rest. I may never know because she is unwilling to face that hurt with me to get past it to what might be at the root of it.
Maybe I am a child. Maybe it is the proverbial “hope deferred” that makes the heart sick. Maybe it doesn’t matter. I’m just so tired of hurting. I’m just so tired, period.
I’m sorry. I probably should have kept that to myself. As I said, you are right.
I didn’t imply you should keep it to yourself. Actually, your past trauma really explains your reaction. Something to explore with a skilled therapist? Talk therapy with a professional could help you work this out.
@Tory, I know you didn’t. I was just a little shocked at my own reaction. I generally try not to explode like that. Lately I’m comments on posts like this I seem to be doing it a lot.
We’re trying to find a good therapist I can talk to as we continue to work things out. The marriage counselor who was working with us and still does from time to time actually told us he had helped us as far as his training/qualifications and experience can go. Now he’s just there to help us with day to day challenges that come up so we can hold position and continue to heal as well as we can on our own.
One challenge right now, with the current economy of course, is paying for one but I’m working on that, too. We literally can’t afford to pay out of pocket right now but I think I might have some options open but there’s a bit of red tape and bureaucracy involved. We’re somewhat stuck in our healing, I think, until we can get a qualified third party to help.
As to the past trauma, I’d had an idea of that when I started the comment but nothing so detailed as that. I think the Lord used this post, you, and this conversation to uncover a new layer in what’s going on. I’d not put that together before even in my thoughts. So, again, thank you for jumping in here. I think the Lord used you to help in ways we may not yet fully understand. Thank you and God bless you!