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I find that some men think the phrase “physical intimacy” means sex, and only sex. For example, the fellow who said, “My wife wants to hug me, but rejects all physical intimacy.”
Wikipedia has a good definition for this:
Physical intimacy is sensual proximity or touching. It is an act or reaction, such as an expression of feelings, between people. Examples of physical intimacy include being inside someone’s personal space, holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing and sexual activity. ~ Wikipedia
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If you fail to understand your wife’s need for non-sexual physical intimacy you’re going to have problems. And not just sexual problems.
Humans need physical intimacy. Babies deprived of physical touch don’t develop properly, and in children, teens and adults a lack of physical intimacy can lead to depression. Some folks need more physical intimacy than others and women generally want more than men. Men on the other hand may shy away from non-sexual intimate touch for cultural reasons, to their detriment.
Most women need their non-sexual touch needs met before they want sex. They may have sex anyway, but it will make arousal and orgasm more difficult. A woman may seek sex because she knows it’s the only way to get intimate physical touch, but long term this will put her off sex completely.
On the male side, a man who’s not having enough sex will find any form of physical intimacy with his wife arousing. Women often get upset about this, claiming sex is all he wants or all he thinks about. If this has been a problem in your marriage, try to explain it to her. Tell her you enjoy cuddling, but it makes you aware of how horny you are and makes the horniness even stronger. Tell her she can ignore it or do something about it, but you can’t stop it much as you might want to.
Make a real effort to give your wife all the non-sexual physical intimacy she can handle. Hold her hand, rub her feet or shoulders. Sit close when you watch TV. Give her random hugs as you pass her. When you’re falling asleep at night and waking up in the morning do some cuddling. Giving her the touch she desperately needs will make her happier and easier to get along with. And if you keep it up, it might eventually improve your sex life.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | Learning from our temptations ◄ Because what tempts you means something about you.
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Very true. As always, mileage may very. I have always been a very huggy, snuggly type of person. An uncle even nicknamed me for it when I was really little. I have continued to be that way all my life, cuddling, hugging, holding hands, patting as I pass, randomly rubbing shoulders, or (in my wife’s case) randomly kissing hands, arms, neck, head, cheek, or whatever is within reach. Unfortunately, in our case, it was initially perceived as clingy then as a prelude to sex after marriage. My wife is less physically affectionate than I am but especially after she learned that I am pretty much always ready for sex. She then decided that I was just always looking for sex and it became an irritation. And, yes, I have tried to explain that while, yes, I am ready to go at it whenever, that’s not why I touch her all the time. She struggles to believe it.
That’s not to say that my wife doesn’t want nonsexual physical touch. She actually does. She just doesn’t want it as often or as much as I do. Also, she does NOT appreciate it if she is otherwise engaged. If she’s stirring a pot on the stove and I come up behind her and wrap her in a hug or give her a kiss on the neck, she gets irritated that I’m distracting her from her task. The issue is that she is never NOT busy.
Our daughter was expressing frustration about that recently, in fact. She related how she will notice that her mom is busy, stressed, and needs to relax. So she will ask what her mom plans to get done and take over so she can relax for a while. It never works as planned. My wife gladly hands off that list of tasks and moves on to something else. I try to help, too, but she always finds more to do.
That translates to always busy. In her case that means it is pretty much never a good time to affectionately hug, pat, kiss, etc. until we are laying in bed.
That brings its own problems, though, because she does also want/need non sexual affection, if not the same way I do. So by the time we’re in bed, she’s exhausted from working nonstop all day AND behind on NON sexual touch. That means she is really not ready for SEXUAL touch. Which leaves me horny. Which makes her think my touch is always all about sex. And do the cycle begins again…
Also, she rarely comes to bed at the same time as I do and doesn’t understand why it should be a priority. If I go to bed earlier, it’s too soon to stop working. If I go to bed later, she often beats me to it and is often softly snoring when I get there, even if I’m only 10 minutes behind her. It’s adorable (which she hates for some inexplicable reason) but it means it’s difficult to get in cuddle time. I sometimes gently snuggle in anyway but then she complains that I woke her up, which is another thing that kills her positive perception of my snuggles. She really does not like for me to wake her up, whether when I come to bed, during the night (if I wake up and roll over to cuddle), or in the morning when I get up.
So, as I said, mileage varies. Most women want and need it, though, from what I hear and read
I meant to include this in the comment above but I do understand her feelings on it better these days. For reasons I haven’t figured out yet, I find myself reacting to our children much as she reacts to me. I don’t know why and I don’t like it. For some reason I want my affection only from my wife to the exclusion of my children unless I make a conscious effort to make myself available to them.