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Yesterday I told you that a good sex life is important to having a happy, healthy marriage. Sadly many couples let their sex life die because of problems they could work through or around if they made an effort. This is fresh on my mind since Lori and I had to do some of this the last few months. She was clear she wanted to continue to be sexual, which certainly made it easier.
What usually kills sex is not the problem but rather the couple’s inability to be honest with themselves and each other about their sexuality, and their inability to talk about sex. Many of us have shame, fear, or mixed feelings about sex, and that can make what should be a bump in the road seem to be an insurmountable roadblock.
Sadly, the medical community isn’t nearly as much help as it should be. Most doctors won’t bring sex up and they don’t get training in this area so they may be of limited help is you ask. Side note, if you’re told “no sex for X number of weeks” ask if that means no intercourse or no orgasm. There are online groups that can help if you have a common disability or condition, but they will be secular, explicit, and may post images you don’t want to see. But it’s an option.
If your marriage bed is facing a sex-limiting issue, the first step is having a discussion about it. I’ve read accounts of women going through chemo after a mastectomy. Hubby is lying awake in bed trying to hide his erection because he doesn’t want to “bother her”, while she is crying silently because she thinks he no longer desires her. They both want to have sex, but neither will bring it up. There are women who see a sex-limiting condition as an excuse to end their sex life, but this is not always true; not even for women who have said no to sex more often than yes.
Sex is part of our identity. It makes men feel like men and women feel like women. When illness or disability keeps a couple from doing much of what they have always done together, being able to continue to be sexual can be a real morale boost. If you have the sex liming condition, initiate a conversation about sex. If your wife has the condition, say something along the lines of “I still find you desirable. What we attempt sexually is your call.“
Making sex work when one of your bodies is not fully and normally functional requires you to stop defining sex narrowly. Let’s define it as intimate sexual contact that brings pleasure to both husband and wife. You will notice the word orgasm is not in that definition. If either of you can orgasm, then you should. But if one of you can’t, or might not much of the time, that doesn’t have to prevent sex. You can enjoy being sexual without climax.
There are a lot of ways to enjoy sex without penetration and a man doesn’t have to have an erection to have an orgasm. Men who can’t climax can still enjoy giving their wife an orgasm. Orgasm is great, but there’s a lot of pleasure beyond orgasm.
There are various items that can help a couple have sex despite disabilities and injuries:
Various wedges and pillows can help you position your bodies in ways that alleviate pressure, prevent pain, or give better access. These may help with limited mobility and make new positions possible.- A finger vibrator is worn over a finger and allows you to use a vibrator on your spouse without needing to grip it. No pain, and no worries it will slip out of your hand.
- A set of bumpers worn around the penis can limit the depth of penetration. This can make intercourse possible again for women with endometriosis or other conditions that make full penetration painful. And since the vagina is tightest as the opening, this might help a man with reduced penile sensation reach orgasm during intercourse.
- A powerful vibrator can get a guy to orgasm without an erection. Apply it to the underside of the head, with a hand or a finger on the other side to give good pressure. This vibe is also the first way some women reach orgasm and is the go-to for some women when they struggle to climax.
- A thigh sling holds a woman’s legs up and open. This could be helpful for a woman with limited mobility or make it easy for a man with limited mobility to perform oral sex.
- Swings make the one in the swing weightless and easy to move. Can be used for intercourse, oral sex, or manual sex.
- Strokers allow a woman to give her husband’s penis strong stimulation without hurting her hands. Great for women with arthritis or other pain or limitations of the hands.
- A special “doggy strap” can help you pull her close during rear entry.
- There is a dildo holder that straps to a man’s thigh, allowing the wife to ride the dildo.
- And finally, you can get a stool with an opening in the middle that the wife can sit on over her husband to allow intercourse without putting weight on him. This can also be used to position either of you above the other to receive oral sex, with the giver under and the receiver either sitting on the stool or lying on it. This is a very versatile item with a lot of possibilities.
Sometimes the best you can manage is to masturbate together. Engage in foreplay then finish yourselves. Lie side by side and kiss, lie head to toe for a better view, or take turns watching each other. One of you could share a fantasy about the two of you having sex. But this is the extreme situation. Most couples with injuries, disabilities, and long-term conditions can have a meaningful and mutually enjoyable sex life as long as they are both willing to work at it. The exceptions are very few. If you have specific struggles, ask in the comments using a fake email address, or use the contact form to email me.
Resource:
Marriage Bed Tips – Includes a lot of ways to give manual and oral pleasure.
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I’ve been reading books by Barry W. McCarthy and Emily McCarthy. Barry is a professor emeritus of psychology and a diplomate in both clinical psychology and sex therapy,. and holds a PHD. Emily is his wife, and co-author. In addition to academic papers and books, he writes for the average couple.
One of his insights is that men, in particular, often see sex as one-dimensional – intercourse. And that when the choice is intercourse or nothing, unfortunately nothing often wins out. Ummmmm – I’ve been guilty of that.
One of the main themes in Barry’s work is that “good enough” sex is broad and includes intercourse, but also includes other kinds of sexual intimacy. This is important during aging, when most men eventually have erectile challenges, but also important as you suggest when one partner has medical issues or other sex-limiting issues. Basically, that wise couples are open to different kinds of sexual intimacy, and that aging and medical issues especially require flexibility in your view of what “sex” looks like. The smart move is to find a flexible, broad range of intimate ways to please each other.
The books seem a little repetitive, since they assumed no one would actually read them cover to cover, and would instead read selected chapters. Other than that, very approachable. And, for me – eye opening in a good way.
I think “Rekindling Desire” is quite good. If you fit the demographic, also look at “Couple Sexuality after 60.”
His works are not religiously based, but I don’t think there is anything in his work that would trouble Christians. Unless you will be unable to consider a book with occasional comments that the ideas work for all couples – married or unmarried and straight or gay.
Good science based, research based advice from a guy whose entire career has been focused on understanding and helping couples.
@Robert – I’ve seen plenty of that, and primarily in men. All other considerations aside, having any kind of sex makes it easier to have intercourse when you can.
Use it or lose it doesn’t just apply to the body. Keeping the emotional part of sex going is also important.
I will make it for my to-read list.