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My XY Code post for yesterday was a rewrite of a post I first did seven years ago. As I reworked it I was shocked at the number of trigger words and phrases it contained. Most were triggers for women and a few for men. I changed all of those in a way that didn’t alter the meaning. What I meant was fine, the problem was how I said it. Trigger words derail the reader and ensure they won’t hear the message I mean to communicate. It might also lead to some accusations in the comments.
When you talk with your wife, do you say things that trigger her? Do you need to lock that down?
Triggers are tricky because they’re usually based on the listener’s past. If a certain word or phrase was used to hurt them in the past, it will hurt now no matter how you use it or what you mean to say. A simple word like “silly” might mean nothing to you, but if it was used to dismiss her over and over when she was growing up, then calling your wife or anything she does “silly” is a good way to start a fight. Likewise, if you accuse any of her children of being silly.
Other times it’s more of a cultural or gender thing. Maybe your wife was never called the c-word, but she knows some men use it to insult women, so she reacts negatively to it. Calling her emotional or a bitch is probably a bad plan even if she has never been accused of those things.
Beyond using trigger words about her, using them about others is going to be a problem. The word or phrase slams her mind from what you’re saying to old wounds. That stops communication.
I think we have a responsibility to find and avoid trigger words. This is true in general and much more so in our marriage. Certainly, she should work on her triggers, but I’m talking to you here so this is about what you can and should do. Besides, the practical reality is it’s easier for you to use different words than for your wife to deal with why a word triggers her.
It may be tempting to use a trigger word for effect. Maybe you think it will make your point or get her attention. It will get her attention, but not in a way that helps either of you. Using a trigger word intentionally to hurt her is cruel and using it to sidetrack a discussion is cowardly.
Seven years of feedback from the ladies who read the XY Code has taught me a lot about what triggers them. Hopefully, years of being married to your wife has helped you in the same way. Can you quickly think of a dozen words or phrases that would trigger your wife? When did you last use any of those?
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | Fueled by grace ◄ Cause sometimes it ain’t easy!
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I saw a meme recently that said “triggers are your responsibility, not everyone else’s. The world shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells for you.” People blew up in the comments, yet I tended to agree to a point.
Never mind strangers on the internet, but let’s look at marriage. I think in a marriage we have a responsibility to know which words upset our spouse, but we also have a responsibility to not get a bent nose so easily.
But, I’ve also noticed and experienced known triggers being deliberately used as weapons in an argument or to get one’s way. I also recognize that when I am angry with my husband I imagine telling him off and using triggers as weapons to hurt him. In that case there is no excuse. There’s no right to say, “get a thicker skin” to the victim spouse. That is just deliberately hurtful to use known triggers as weapons.
It is important to know what your spouse’s triggers are, but also your own.