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Christian marriage advice often talks about disrespect of a husband by his wife. It’s a valid issue, but some have taken it way too far. And some husbands have grabbed onto the issue as a magic shield they can use to end any discussion they don’t want to have or attack any behaviour they dislike.
The Bible tells us to show respect for each other and it does tell wive’s specifically to respect their husbands. But claiming something is disrespectful doesn’t make it so and feeling disrespected doesn’t mean you were.
The Greek word used in Eph 5:33 is difficult because it literally means to fear. The actual meaning is more along the lines of reverence. It’s about respect for authority and it’s positional, not earned. The other side of the coin, found in the same verse, is the command for the husband to love his wife. This is also positional, not earned. And frankly guys, most of us miss the mark on that daily.
The English definition of respect is rather different: “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” Respect is about being honoured for who we are and what we do. It IS earned.
Is it disrespectful or irreverent for a wife to speak up when her husband is wrong? Should she be allowed to ask him why or is that disrespectful? If she asks a difficult question is that disrespectful? What if she doesn’t like what her husband says or does, or how he says or does it?
Both respect and reverence are about attitude. If I get pulled over by the police I can ask why I was stopped in a respectful or disrespectful way. The results of those two options will be different. If I end up in court, being disrespectful can end me in jail on a contempt charge. It’s possible to question or disagree without being disrespectful. The disciples questioned Jesus about all kinds of things and we have plenty of narratives where people questioned God without being judged as irreverent.
Personally, I want my wife to question me. I’m not perfect. Sometimes she shows me a flaw in my reasoning and she has kept me from making some big mistakes. If she watched me do something wrong, embarrassing, or stupid without saying anything, I would find that disrespectful!
No one likes to be questioned or corrected, but it’s part of life and those who can’t deal with it need to get help!
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | When intentions matter ◄ Yeah, this.
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I had a therapist tell me that the only people that regularly bring up “respect” are thugs and gang members.
I’m not phrasing it as eloquently as he did, but it does make me think whenever I feel like I’m being disrespected – it’s a gut check on my part… is what I’m experiencing truly a lack of respect, or something else? (embarrassment, shame, simply losing an argument, etc.)
@Tom – An interesting comment indeed! A bit over the top perhaps, but just a bit.
God made me aware many years ago that I miss the mark set in Ephesians 5:25. Without the transformation that only the Holy Spirit can accomplish through our own repentence, I don’t see that any of us will move much in that direction. I can also say having come through that experience of acknowledging my failing and continuing on the path loving my wife sacrificially, I have seen my wife give me much of the respect I longed for. This can be a long road, and results are not guaranteed, but I believe it is our calling as husbands.
I once had a friend that told me that “if it were not for his wife questioning him, he’d be either the richest, or poorest man on the face of the earth.” He told me that with much admiration and gratitude!
“The Greek word (translated as respect) used in Eph 5:33 is difficult because it literally means to fear. The actual meaning is more along the lines of reverence. It’s about respect for authority and it’s positional, not earned.
…
The English definition of respect is rather different: … Respect is about being honoured for who we are and what we do. It IS earned.”
I hope, but am suspicious I’ll be disappointed, you are trying to show that the understanding of respect in Eph. 5:33 is commonly poor, because we’re using today’s definition of a translated word instead of the true meaning of the Greek word. In short, it’s wrong to think the respect for the husband in v. 33 must be earned. Instead, it’s required BY GOD of the wife because of the husband’s position in the relationship.
@OKRickety – You are correct – using an English word rather than a very different Greek meaning means we have it wrong. Just like the love the man should have for his wife, her respect is required by God. But it’s not respect as we understand the word. And nowhere does the verse say the man is allowed to force it!
I wish we had more couples hung up on the sacrificial love and leaders that the husband is commanded to be than on the wives respecting and submitting. Could be I’m more sensitive to the wife’s role, my role, but I don’t hear many arguments around how men are not loving their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. It’s really hard not to love, respect, or revere, someone who daily puts you first especially when you are following God and He is Lord in your life.
@2cents – Well said. Of course, being human no man can do that, but we are still expected to keep trying.