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One of the fun things about Lori being told she had a “mass” in her uterus was my getting to face the reality she could die. It’s not like I’d never considered it, but it became a lot more real. We were told in a couple of weeks it was probably not cancer, but none of the tests made it clear what it was, so it wasn’t until the doctor talked to me Thursday after her surgery that we were sure. So it was on the table for three months. And, honestly, it was a lot more difficult than facing my own mortality a few years ago.
In the US women live an average of five years longer than men. So unless your wife is older than you by more than that, the odds are you will die first. But plenty of men lose their wives, including some who were widowed early in life.
There is a healthy balance concerning this issue. Focus on it too much and you will get weird and be no fun. Ignoring it feels good, but means you’re not in touch with reality and might be putting things off on a married future that you won’t have.
In terms of having a good marriage, I think you should face the fact you may not have years or decades. Don’t wait to fix problems, including your problems that make life difficult for your wife. Tell your wife how you feel about her often and show her your love every opportunity you get. This will lead to a better marriage and fewer regrets if your wife dies before you thought she would.
Additionally, don’t put all the fun things you want to do together way down the road. Learn to enjoy life as your live it. My dad had great plans for his retirement, but dying at the age of 53 meant he didn’t get to do those things. He did some fun things, but I wish he’d worked a bit less and enjoyed life a bit more.
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My wife was diagnosed with a very rare autoimmune disease almost 5 years ago. Luckily we found a couple of doctors who were able to stabilize her with regular infusions of immunoglobulin. Life has definitely changed. Our physical relationship is no longer an option. Her mortality is always on the table.
Thinking about my wife’s mortality sometimes helps me pull out of a petty fight – if (for example) she only had 6 months to live, would I want to be arguing?
Love your blog!!
So true. Glad Lori is healthy. Just had a convo driving home today that my health is more important that ever to DW because she sees what poor health does to people at the end of their life in her line of work. It isn’t pretty.
DW & I have a 11 year gap in the “wrong” direction (I’m older) so we decided we’re going to do some dream trips while we’re healthy…and alive. Just got back from a Caribbean cruise, a first for both of us. A Mediterranean cruise and trips to Italy, Hawaii, Alaska, and maybe Israel, sprinkled with the Continental US spots are on our dream list over the nxt 10-12 years. (We have a shared file we can add to on our phones)
I have had a few fleeting thoughts about what I’d look for considering remarriage. However, by far my most common thought in this area has been – Who’s going to help me with all of these kids! :)
My first wife died suddenly at the age of ~49.8. I was four years older. When i say “suddenly”, I mean she seemed perfectly healthy when she left for work, she filled the car with gas half way there (fortunately, I had forgotten to do it the evening before), went in to pay, came back and, before she could turn the key, slumped over dead against her rider. I say ‘fortunately’ because, had I filled the tank, she would have had the car in heavy rush-hour traffic, with a passenger, when she passed, and who knows what the result of that would have been. Apparently, God wanted her that morning and no one else.
My oldest daughter died at ~49 when her pericardium began to separate from her heart muscle. Long story, but eventually the heart stops beating. She and here family were at the beach Friday morning, drove home, and by early Saturday morning, she was gone.
My younger brother, by 13 months, passed away about a year ago with aggressive prostate cancer.
My message is similar to Paul’s: Be prepared. Live a life of no regrets (i.e. be kind). We don’t necessarily “go” in the order we tend to think. None of us is guaranteed our next breath.