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So my wife has had a baseball-sized tumour in her uterine wall for months. It caused some minor problems and discomfort and made sex, ah, interesting. Now my wife likes sex and wanted it for herself. We found ways to do things she could enjoy, but it was tricky.
What if she couldn’t have had or didn’t want to have sex? There are a variety of reasons this happens to women in their lives. For this discussion, I’m talking about something beyond just not wanting to do it. I’m talking about a physical or emotional issue that makes sex difficult, impossible, unwise, or undesirable. And while you can and should be understanding about that, the reality is your sex drive doesn’t have an off switch as much as you might want it to.
I am fortunate to have a wife who understands and cares about my sexuality. She made it clear she would take care of me and offered on many occasions. I was a bit less vocal about my needs and I think she knew that and was picking up the slack. I wish all women were as she is. It’s a big blessing, but it’s also above and beyond in my mind.
Had my wife been unwilling to provide me with release or if doing so had caused her pain, I would have not expected anything from her. I would have asked if she wanted me to take care of it in bed with her or on my own in the shower. I’d have been fine with a few months of solo shower “sex” if that was what she wanted or needed. Feeling any other way about it would be wrong, IMHO.
The other part of this would have been ensuring I still did all the loving things for her I do when we’re having sex. That would include physical touch. Not being able to have sex cuts off an important source of touch. But you can still hug, cuddle, massage and so on. You both need that. If doing that makes you horny, deal with it afterwards. Or masturbate before so the issue doesn’t “come up”.
This is no big deal when your wife is down for a couple of days. When weeks stretch into months it’s more of a challenge. It’s also a lot more difficult if your sex life was a struggle even when she was well. If that’s the case, work extra hard to keep all of that out of the current situation. Being loving and reasonable now will show her you care about more than sex. Being unreasonable will just confirm her suspicion about you.
Finally, if your wife wants sex but it’s tricky, please be all about giving her what she wants in whatever way she wants. If that means holding her other hand while she does it, then do that. Also, try to think outside of the box. For a while having an orgasm in the usual positions left Lori with cramps. So we figured out how I could pleasure her laying in another position. This is a chance to show her how much her sexual pleasure matters to you. You also need to be paying attention to how she’s doing. If it hurts, don’t wait for her to say something – stop. If you can do something else that doesn’t hurt, do that. If not hold and love on her before one of you takes care of your arousal.
Let me be clear this advice is for men who have a wife who can’t have or can’t face sex because of some problem that has arisen. If your wife simply doesn’t like or want sex that’s a totally different issue and it needs to be lovingly confronted.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | A case for sexual discipleship ◄ “…your sexuality should not be divorced from the rest of your life in Christ.” Preach!
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This is all so relevant in my life. Approximately ten years ago, my wife’s need for physical touch started to dissipate. I can truly say that I didn’t get angry with her. I remained loyal and calm with her. I tried to discuss the situation with her to no avail. I didn’t wander into the arms of another. I prayed to God for answers and guidance that never came. As time went on, her interest in physical touch went from once every few months to nothing at all. When I tried to initiate, she would either fall asleep or respond to nothing. It was like holding a lifeless body. During an average day, her typical kind and gentle personality was still there but in private when the possibility existed to unite as one, there was nothing. For several years, I prayed to God for a resolution which never came. I eventually prayed to God to take away my desire for physical touch with my wife so I could continue to enjoy the other parts of what has been a long and fulfilling marriage. I didn’t want the non existence of a sexual relationship with my wife to destroy the the other fine aspects of our marriage that had been nothing short of wonderful for years. I couldn’t have dreamed of a more loyal, dedicated and loving wife. The physical closeness eventually deteriorated all together and other areas of our marriage started to become cold and lifeless as well. Through this period, her kindness and gentle smile never wavered. Approximately five years ago, I made an appointment with our primary care doctor who we both shared. After a series of examinations, the root cause of the problem was diagnosed. It was Alzheimer’s. During those past years, I occasionally wondered if this could be the problem but tried to block it from my mind. I didn’t want Alzheimer’s to be a possibility but in the end it was. Six months ago after several years of caring for my wife, the time came to place her in a Memory Care facility. The reason for my existence had been ripped away. I visit frequently. We talk. We hold hands. We laugh and reminisce to the extent she can remember but the desire for physical touch is not in her mind and no longer important to me. I realize that enjoyable part of our marriage is gone forever. Do I wish it was still with us? Absolutely, but it’s now only a distant memory. One day last fall during my morning Bible Study, I prayed to God angrily asking why he had allowed a loyal, obedient servant of HIS, my wife, to end up like this. I asked HIM why HE couldn’t have spared her of this curse and given it to me instead. She didn’t deserve this. After basically firing GOD of HIS duties in my life, I sat there feeling I had put GOD in HIS place. I few minutes later, a message came to me. I know it wasn’t my own thought or emotions. I wasn’t in the state of mind to hear what I was about to hear. The message was “You’ve always loved your wife. You cherished her above all other things but ME. But why do you curse ME for the past three years during her decline. Why don’t you thank me for the previous forty five years that were wonderful for both of you. You’ve always said that you would die for your wife. You’ve loved her more than yourself. Listen, your wife was MY gift to you. You have served her well but she still belongs to me. I am slowly bringing her home to be with ME. She doesn’t know there’s a problem. She has Alzheimer’s disease. I am letting you hurt for her just as you always said you wanted. In time you will understand.” After this message was given to me, I felt a calm. Did it change our situation? No it didn’t but it added some clarity. The sadness still exists. Not only is the physical touch gone forever but I now visit my wife in her new home where I realize the total person I married years ago is not totally there. Piece by piece, big by bit, she is leaving me. Last week while reading my Bible, a thought came to mind. After his trial, Jesus had to suffer mercilessly for approximately six hours before passing. I suffer six hours four times a day, each and every day. There is no end. It hurts. But then I remember what GOD himself told me last fall. Why do you look at just the last three years. Why don’t you thank ME for the first forty five years that were wonderful. That helps me offset knowing that each day a little more of my wife leaves me. One day when the time is right and GOD determines that “Now is the time”, my wife and I will be reunited in eternity without emotional pain, physical pain and the sorrow that this dreaded disease has brought to our life. That’s the only thing that keeps me going. Yes, over the past ten or so years, I’ve totally lost the physical intimacy of my wife but even more, I’ve experienced the “ripping away” of half of me which is my wife. It’s been a slow process that seems to never end but for my wife, I’ll stay the course. If the roles were reversed, she would do the same.
WOW! Just WOW!! May God’s grace – and all that you need – be with you until her due time. No other words…
I am sorry about your wife and her condition, I know Alzheimer’s is a difficult thing to deal with, especially when it is your spouse.
It is easy to see only the now and not the many years of blessings you had. You two have had a wonderful, fulfilling life it sounds like!