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I’ve liked the song The Sound of Silence since I was a teen. It has always seemed to me to be a sad and relevant warning. And it seems even more relevant now, 57 years after it was first released. Garfunkel said the song is about “the inability of people to communicate with each other” and that “what you see around you are people unable to love each other.“
I find this especially true and concerning in marriages. There are so many distractions today that it’s easy to not talk to each other.
The song warns us that “silence like a cancer grows”. This is so true. The less we talk, the less we want to talk, and the less able we become to communicate in a way that matters. A good marriage requires knowing each other and you can’t do that without good communication. Sometimes we don’t want to know our spouses’ truth. And more often we don’t want our spouse to know our truth. But if we don’t have the hard conversations our marriages suffer.
Do you talk enough? Do you talk about the things that really matter? Do you hear her heart and share your heart?
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Yes, and no. Barb has a lot to say that’s worth hearing. Me, not so much… not worth hearing, or even saying (“I learned today that zebrawood is too fibrous to be accurately chiseled…” Yawn.).
It’s not a poor-me passive-aggressive thing. I write mostly bad poems that aren’t worth sharing, to keep my mind sharp, and make rifle stocks and knife handles. There’s really not much to discuss there. And feelings? I’m very ill and I’m happy. No complaints, and I mean it.
Barb is involved with her church, her job is a challenge, and she’s learning to garden successfully in the desert. She’s on permanent send, and for good reason.
It’s thus vital for me to listen to her; she has her ups and downs, and even just by listening quietly I can help.
Conversely, it does no good for me to talk and for her to listen. She wants to fix the cancer, is frustrated that she can’t, and hears in my satisfaction with life something of an indictment of her effort and prayers.
Sorry for the long comment.
About six months into our marriage, she began sending me into sexual Sahara.
No more quick kisses in the kitchen. No more quick affectionate touches. No holding hands. She has held my arm while we are walking once in the last 23 years or so.
Shortly after this avoidance behavior started, when we were having sex (I don’t know if we’ve ever “made love”), I heard her say hurtful things like, “What? Again so soon? (1, 2, or 3 days), and “Are you done, yet?” To which I can only think, “No, you stupid b***h. When I’m “done”, I’ll stop.” This was within a year of the wedding. I was 54 when we married, she was 45. After a year or so, she asked me if, when I turned 60, would I want sex so much. Well, it’s not a switch that gets turned off by a date on the calendar. I was about 55 when she asked the question. I can only guess she thought she could tolerate sex, occasionally, for 5 years, then she could cause the stream to dry up and not have to feel guilty about it.
I told her that I was not going to beg for sex, or to risk being refused – which happened consistently. If she wanted a normal marriage, she would initiate sex, often, enthusiastically, and convince me that she wanted me and that she would develop her skills in bed. then I would start initiating again. She acts like the conversation never happened – that I gave her a free pass for our mutual abstinence.
I don’t know what she thinks ruined our marriage, but I am certain she doesn’t think she had anything to do with it. Everything she does makes everything better.
I know she’s not aware of the hellish torture her sinful abstinence has put me through. I tried to tell her. I think she didn’t believe a word of it – or she just doesn’t care. It certainly didn’t make any difference.