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Last month I talked to the women on The XY Code about the sexual signals they use rather than communicating openly about sex. In most areas of life, men are less into signals and hints than women, but sex is an exception.
Perhaps you use signals and hints thinking it is more likely to get you what you want. Maybe you know it’s not as effective at getting sex, but it eliminates angry responses or offers of mercy sex, so it’s worth it. And you may be sending sexual signals unconsciously.
The problem with hints and signals is your wife may not read them as you intended. For example, the image I used here would be considered crude by some women and would be a turn-off, not an invitation she wants to accept. Innuendos can be the same. If you use a lot of innuendos when you want sex, you may be pushing her away. Pointing at your penis or putting it out there for her to see is likely even worse.
I’ve heard a number of women complain their husband gets grumpy when they don’t get sex. As I man I understand why this happens. But I can certainly understand how it could make a woman think her guy only wants her for sex. Guys who are especially nice when they want sex may communicate the same thing.
Veiled comments about how long it’s been since you had sex or how infrequently sex happens is another “hint” that’s not going to get you what you want. Doing this in front of others is an especially bad plan.
Then there’s the good morning poke. I know it feels great to push your hard penis up against your wife. Unfortunately, a lot of women see that as a demand. If you just want to enjoy the sensation without needing it to result in sex, then explain that to your wife and ask if she would be okay with it.
Touching, grabbing, talking about, or attempting to uncover her sexy bits will not be received well by many women. These things tend to make her feel like an object, not a person.
And finally, announcing “I’m horny” is probably a bad plan. Especially if she is a mom and is sick and tired of the kids saying “I’m hungry”.
The best approach is to clearly express what you want. Bonus points for making it sound like you want sex WITH HER more than you want her FOR SEX.
A post worth reading:
Shaunti Feldhahn | Why Can’t We Just Go To Sleep? ◄ Most men have experienced this one.
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So a half dozen examples of what not to do and zero examples of what to do? I think we all know what doesn’t work we just don’t know what does work and your article didn’t do anything to change that…
@Rob – I ended with that – “The best approach is to clearly express what you want. Bonus points for making it sound like you want sex WITH HER more than you want her FOR SEX.”
@Rob – Also, check out a two year old post – http://the-generous-husband.com/2021/09/04/how-you-ask-matters-a-lot/
Speaking for myself, “clearly expressing” is going to get a NO answer. The timing doesn’t matter, over breakfast, or at any point durring the day making my desires known for that evening, or even “In the next day or two I’d like to……..” is a sure path to a negative response.
Bottom line….. after 30 + years of trying to be subtle, or direct, the subtle path is far less painful than forcing a direct answer. You’d think that after 30 years it would hurt less, but it’s just getting worse. The pain of rejection/appeasment is so great, that it’s just not worth perusing. The rejection from the subtle approach somehow less painful.
Same here John. Sorry to say.
Yup! Our sex life is almost entirely dependent on 1) the time of the month or 2) whether she a) happens to get an afternoon nap, *and* b) she happens to have dreams that get her hot and bothered, *and* c) I’m available.
“Touching, grabbing, talking about, or attempting to uncover her sexy bits will not be received well by many women. ” We had a lot of fun with this. Hand wrestling match which was all in fun and DW new she did not have to give into any thing she did not want or desire to do. Great times.
I have a high sex drive and my husband is guilty of most of the things Paul mentioned. The result? I am usually completely turned off of sex. Yet, he doesn’t stop doing it. I have told him how it makes me feel repeatedly, told him the results are zero interest in sex and he just keeps on keeping on and then will sometimes complain about lack of sex or say things like “it’s not my fault we don’t have a good sex life I have been trying and you just walk away.” I am sure that many men wouldn’t do this. But I know a lot do. Maybe they think it’s funny, maybe they think it should work. I don’t know but I know I am not alone. It doesn’t and in many cases it makes me angry. I think Paul has probably heard from a lot of wives like me and he is trying to explain to the men that don’t respond when their wives reject this behavior. Some men unfortunately haven’t gotten the memo on what doesn’t work, or if they have they don’t care.
Thank you AM for the insight offered.
For me and I’ll guess others there is a feeling as though there is a code that we’ve never been able to crack. We haven’t found anything that will consistently or even much of the time that succeed. When you’ve tried to solve the equation and continually fail there are no clues or data points to form a reasonable conclusion. We feel as though it is completely random, only if the higher authority wills it. At this point there is nothing to loose or gain it’s simply random chance. No approach seems to change the odds. We would change our approach in a hart beat if we know what that was.
@Rob – Ah yes, the search for the magic words that part her legs.
If she doesn’t want sex, there are no words that will make her want it. If she does there are words that will make her stop wanting it.
She says yes for one of two reasons – either she wants sex, or it’s been long enough she thinks she should do it. The latter can come from kindness or guilt.
In some marriages, the woman’s brokeness means she rarely or never wants sex. In other marriages, his brokenness has put her off sex. I suspect in many marriages it’s a combination of both of those.
One thing that always annoys me about this kind of article / advice – the obligatory bit about grumpy husbands.
What is going on here is that the higher drive partner is starving. Starving for intimate connection. The high drive / active drive spouse reaches out to a very much beloved spouse, suggests some intimacy and gets rejection instead – often.
It is the REJECTION which hurts deep to the core. It is the rejection which eats away at your heart.
I’ll bet most high drive partners have spent a lot of time perfecting the “non-reaction” to that rejection, no matter how painful the rejection was.
Granted – I agree that being grumpy or angry or bitter is a natural response. But expressing those emotions are not helpful. But, of course, if your spouse reacts with annoyance or accuses you of having a one track mind, that is exactly same thing as the husband being grumpy. I would like to see that called out as well.
@Robert – I do that over on The XY Code.