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If you’ve followed me very long, you know I don’t see masturbation to be inherently wrong. If your wife won’t have nearly as much sex as you need, it’s better than walking around horny most of the time. If you and your wife have a great sex life and you occasionally like to masturbate on top of that, I see nothing wrong with that. If you turn to solo sex when the two of you are apart or when she’s too sick for sex, I see that as both wise and loving.
However, if your wife is willing and you masturbate instead, that’s a problem. According to 1 Cor 7 doing that is defrauding your wife. It’s not just wrong, it’s sin. She is your first source for sex and she gets the right of first refusal.
Most wive’s assume secret masturbation is about porn. That’s not always the case, even if porn is involved.
Some guys masturbate to reduce how often they “bother” their wife for sex. They think it’s loving. Or more realistically, they think it avoids fights about sex. If your wife knows you supplement the sex you have with her, knows how often you do it, and is okay with that, that’s one thing. If she doesn’t know you go it alone or thinks you do it a few times a month when you actually do it several times a week, that’s a problem. If she knew how often you do it she might realise you really do need more sex. And that would be a good thing. And regardless of her reaction, she should know.
Some men say masturbation is a different enjoyable thing they occasionally want no matter how much sex they have with their wife. I don’t get that, but I accept it’s valid for some of you. If you can explain that to your wife and she’s okay with it, fine. If you do it secretly I see it as a problem because you’re lying to her.
Then there are the men who start to masturbate because of sexual problems. They find it difficult to get or keep an erection and that embarrasses them, so they masturbate instead. Others find that keeping an erection requires vigorous thrusting that results in climaxing too fast. Again, DIY is less embarrassing. Denying her sex because of your embarrassment is unloving and it’s sin. Get help so you can stay hard or learn ways to make sex work for both of you.
In general, if your wife is unaware you’re masturbating, or unaware of how often you do it, that’s harmful to your marriage and wrong. The one exception I can see is if you have explained the need to your wife, she refused to do more, and would see masturbation as sin and betrayal. If she won’t take care of it, take care of it discretely yourself.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey | Let others serve you ◄ Sort of fits with my post.
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Let us not talk of this thing,
this worst of Bacchuds’ alms
that our elders said would bring
to us, yes, hairy palms,
and then may make sadly insane
the low prurient mind,
sending reason down the drain
to cause us to go blind!
Place your hands behind your back
for good friend to flex-cuff,
for when it is the means you lack,
your soul may yet hang tough
unless you drawers will let through
the rub of jeans…oh, shame on you!
That was us exactly a several years ago. My wife knew I masturbated, but not how often. She thought it was a couple times a month, when it was actually 2 or 3 times a week. We had a long discussion about it, she is not one to usually talk about sex. We had very little sex.
She said I didn’t have to hide it anymore and she would even help me have fun. She wasn’t going to increase the amount of sex we had, but it was ok for me to masturbate. Like other men that have come clean about this, I feel better about it.
If you have kept this secret from your wife, break free and just let her know! Don’t wait years and years.
As a wife, I have never denied my husband, even though he denies me several times a week. I have a higher drive than he does, so I have no problem meeting his needs.
I would be very upset if I found out he was masturbating, while he was denying me. My needs go unmet the majority of the time, so I expect that if he is willing and able, he would not leave me out.
That is part of the reason I always ask my wife for sex first, before I masturbate. We started doing that many years ago, just in case she wants sex. She is low drive for sure, but sometimes does say yes, usually she tells me to take care of myself though. I never do it and deny my wife though.
The compromise we have worked out in our very low sex marriage. She cuddles up to me while I do it myself. Sometimes all she can do is be close, and warm and present. Sometimes she caresses or helps out in some way. Once, only once, she offered to get me started, and when I got close I finished up.
This has been very helpful. Doing it alone is just….. lonely. And does nothing to meet the real need, which is to be bonded and connected and intimate with her. When she cuddles up to me while I am doing it, I feel connected to her, and can enjoy her presence and touch. It’s not intercourse, but it beats jerking off in the shower by a wide, wide margin.
I tell her, often, how much I appreciate her cuddling up to me. And, that I feel loved and connected when she does that.
Robert,
It makes me sad for you that you have had to settle for so little. That is not sex in marriage as God intended.
I know it’s none of my business, but I am curious. When you say, that “all she can do is be close, and warm, and present”…why is that? What is keeping her from actually participating? And am I misreading your comment? Are you saying that you never have actual intercourse?
I am sad for so many men and women who have entered marriage with partners that basically hold them captive, sexually. Marriage is the only God-sanctioned relationship to get our sexual needs met. When your marriage partner refuses to do so, they are not honoring God, or their partners. And their partner is held hostage in a marriage that is sexually deprived or frustrating, and they cannot seek sexual relations anywhere else. It is the height of selfishness.
My wife and I do the exact same thing, we cuddle while I do myself. She just doesn’t want sex at all, says she has no desire or need for it. She wants it occasionally, but not very often. I want it two or three times a week and it is just too much for her.
It is sad, I think I have done everything right in life and I am the only one that works at our relationship. I am the romantic one and I guess I always thought women wanted romance. She never thinks about working at it, just takes everything for granted.
You are misreading my comment, or more correctly – my short comment does not tell the whole story. We do have intercourse, just not terribly often. Maybe once a month, or once every other month.
I think the idea that the low desire spouse is being selfish is not always the case. I do not, in any way, think this is something my spouse is doing intentionally. She wants to want, would prefer things were otherwise. She is not being selfish.
Her cuddling up to me, while I do myself is one way in which she meets my need for physical intimacy when she is not able to say yes to intercourse.
Robert,
Once a month would be a step up for me. So far this year (Jan. 1 to now in Sept.) we’re up to 3 total instances of sex. She certainly won’t cuddle either if I were to take care of myself. One time, I mistakenly thought she was asleep and started trying quietly to take care of myself and she left to go sleep on the couch because it made her uncomfortable to be in the room. I usually wait until later now to make sure she’s actually asleep. I usually end up missing out on more sleep than I would like, but it’s either that or I have a hard time getting to sleep at all.
@Ann, I’m with you. It’s really sad to read about all these couples where one person (usually the wife, though not always) decides that they just don’t like to have sex. Like you said, it’s not like you can go and get that need legitimately met elsewhere! It’s like agreeing that you will only eat at one restaurant for the rest of your life, only to find out afterwards that it’s always closed. @Robert— once a month or once every other month?? Shaking my head… my prayers are with you that your wife finds her clit eventually 😜 and realizes that this is no way to live.