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Following up on the idea that Not divorcing is not enough, not fighting isn’t enough either. Marriage is not supposed to be lukewarm and when it is it slowly dies. A fair number of divorces occur not because anything is horribly wrong, but because the couple has become little more than roommates. In the church, many such couples stay together or last longer, but they are hardly the example of Christ and His bride that God called us to be. Aside from that failure, the couple is cheating each other out of many good things, and are setting a bad example for their children and others around them.
Dr. Paul Amato, a sociologist at Penn State University, says that more than half of divorces happen “in low-conflict marriages”; marriages, which he says, are “good enough” to be saved. Pamela Haag, author of Marriage Confidential: The Post-Romantic Age of Workhorse Wives, Royal Children, Undersexed Spouses, & Rebel Couples says that two-thirds of the divorces in the United States are among “so-so” couples. She says many of these couples actually choose “semi-happy” out of a desire to have safe and stable marriages. Unfortunately, that won’t make a marriage strong and a weak marriage is far more susceptible to divorce. Hagg also suggests that too much focus on the children is a big part of the problem in many of these marriages.
A common way this plays out, in my experience, is as follows. A couple gets married. She wants stability and she avoids things that would create passion and deep connection to focus on safety and stability. She’s not going for boring, but it’s the result. He finds other places to be connected and to feel needed, appreciated, and important. His work and hobbies become too much of his life, with his marriage being too little. He’s not thrilled, but it’s not his choice, and he makes the best of it. Then they have kids, which just intensifies all of the above. This is especially bad if mom invests too much in the kids. Eventually, the kids get old enough that the wife can no longer fill her entire day, every day, with them. Suddenly she is lonely and bored. She looks to her husband, but he has developed a pattern and isn’t really interested in change. She makes a few poor efforts to let him know what she wants and he misses it. So, she starts to look for other places to be connected and to feel needed, appreciated, and important. Somewhere along the line one of them, usually the wife says, “Why am I here? This is not a marriage and all it’s doing is holding me back.” At that point, the couple is years beyond fixing the problem. I’m not saying it can’t be fixed at that point, but it’s way late in the game for an easy fix, and odds are one has already left emotionally.
Okay guys, here’s what you need to know: Lukewarm, so-so, semi-happy marriages don’t cut it. Even if your wife has nudged, or pushed, for such a marriage, she will eventually grow tired of it. She may or may not leave the marriage, but her heart and mind will leave the marriage. If your marriage is semi-happy, you have a problem. You may not see the problem for years, but it’s there. By the time you do see it, it may be too late to do anything about it. Start fighting for a better marriage now, while there’s still time to change things. Be ready to push even if she does not want it, and be ready to sacrifice to move forward.
The good news is that you can have a much better marriage if you’re willing to work at it. If you’re not too far down the lukewarm marriage path, you can turn it around. Let your wife know you want a better marriage for both of you, and for your kids. Let her know you’re ready to fight and sacrifice to have a better marriage, and as lovingly as possible, don’t take no for an answer.
[This post first appeared Nov 29, 2011.]
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey | Goodbye and hello ◄ Sometimes we hold on to bad things just because they are known and understood.
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It may not be tres cool or hot,
it may not be deep, wild, or hip,
but I think that we should not
shun marriage become partnership
for one day may come nowt to give
to separate OK from great,
and we can move on, truly live
without cursing a sad fate,
because it is not least resistance,
but rather a higher care
that accepts a coexistence
(rather than a bright fun-fair)
in which the union is safe place,
a touch of quiet smiling grace.
This has played out in our lives; a very difficult run of years has made actively working on the marriage completely impossible, but in working together to keep the practicalities of a shared life meaningful we found a place that perhaps is low on passion, but holds something far more precious, a kind of comradeship born of blood.
There is no romance here beyond that of Henry V’s ‘band of brothers’ on the eve of Agincourt, but it may be the truest bond we could hope to attain.
This sort of describes my first marriage. Although I’d claim I did fight for a better marriage to only be rebuffed.
Eventually I did develop the hobbies in sort of a holding action. I.E. if she is going to reject attempts to have a better marriage and life,
The thing is, sometimes they don’t look to you after the kids grow older. Sometimes, they just run off and have an affair.
I was interested in a change, so was she. The difference is I was not part of her plans for change.
At least my plan was to be there when I came up to a place above children in her priority list.
Never happened.
Bottom line, you can want change. You can even work for change. But if you never rate above the children, there is little hope.
If she is unwilling or unable to see you as her partner, then there is little you can do. You can demonstrate and even explain how you are her partner. If she is unwilling or unable to see you as the same, I believe little changes for the good.
I thought I was giving her what she wanted by making it possible for her to be a stay at home mom, changing jobs to be home more like she asked. The thing was, I never saw changes from her side where she was moving closer to me and making me a priority over the kids.
Since I believed her when she said marriage was for life, I figured this was just a season and would get better when the kids were grown.
No evidence that this was her plan. So while she said things were fine, and that she loved me, there was little evidence of such. Attempts to discuss this only resulted in her shutting down and saying nothing. Even when the conversation was tabled and she would promise to revisit the topic in 24 hours, she seldom and eventually never did.
You stop even trying to have such conversations as they become fruitless.
I never learned how to get someone who is unwilling or unable to be honest about how they feel to be honest and open about how they feel.
She eventually left, had her affair and we divorced.
Sometimes, no matter how much you push for change or give space, some people just don’t make good partners. If there was an approach, I didn’t see it. It certainly wasn’t obvious. It wasn’t obvious to therapists or counselors I saw either.
I wish I’d seen that before we married.
I’m not saying men should not try. I’m saying be honest about the circumstance and do your best. Either way, you will be a better person for it.
Just don’t expect that she will also be willing to be a better person. Some people simply think their problems are all external.
@Tony – I think sometimes it feels easier to start over with someone else than to fix what you have broken with your spouse. Not a good choice, but it seems to be common.
And you’re right – the one who tries is better for the effort.