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Perfectionism is a mixed blessing for the perfectionist and a curse to their spouse and children! I can testify to this as both a (more-or-less) recovered perfectionist and the husband of a woman on the same journey. My perfectionism has been extreme in some areas and non-existent in others, which probably makes it even more annoying to others.
What first made me aware of the problems with perfectionism was the failure of our first entrepreneurial business. Lori and I had a fine woodworking business thirty-plus years ago. We did high-quality work and everyone was thrilled with it. The problem was a local economic downturn coinciding with our starting the business. That meant very few people were willing to pay for the quality we were doing. We would bid a competitive price, get a job, and then do far better work than the customer was expecting. This resulted in happy customers, but also meant we were not making enough money for our time. We had plenty of work, but we couldn’t make a living.
I took this lesson with me when we started a landscape and irrigation business. I learned to give folks as much quality as they were willing to pay for. Usually, more than they expected for the money, but only slightly more. I always enjoyed doing jobs for folks willing to pay for the best, but I did other jobs well enough to make good money for my time. I also learned to explain why something I bid was more than what others had bid – how, for example, my irrigation designs would save them money in the long run because I insisted on freeze and rain sensors and a couple of other things that cost a bit more but resulted in a significantly better system.
So let’s apply this to marriage.
Are you putting too much time and effort into some areas of your marriage, going way beyond what she wants or cares about? That is not inherently bad, but it’s not blessing her much and it’s taking time and energy you could use for things she cares about more. Some tasks are utilitarian and extra effort won’t be noticed, much less appreciated.
If you go above and beyond on something because you like it done that way and don’t expect praise from her, that’s fine. If you get upset that she doesn’t notice and appreciate your extra effort, you’ve created a problem.
The truth is perfectionism creates stress and that stress is going to hurt your family. The real problem comes from expecting your wife and kids to live up to your perfectionist standard. This is a sure way to hurt people and strain relationships.
Of course, the issues are the same if your wife is the perfectionist.
If perfectionism is hurting your marriage, address it. Perhaps forwarding this post to your wife would be a good way to start the discussion.
A post worth reading: A Perfectionist’s Dilemma: How to Balance More Is Better vs Diminishing Returns? | ◄
Image Credit: © GoodIdeas | stock.adobe.com & Ruth Archer from Pixabay
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We been addressing this for a long time. My wife is a perfectionist, and it is hard to live with sometimes. But you know what? It is hard on her too. It is hard for her to never be satisfied, hard for her to frequently be disappointed, hard when nothing is quite good enough or what she expected. It’s not just a switch she can turn off, but she is aware of it and has been improving over the last several years.
Cancer is a dark fell place
where perfect cannot thrive,
and we have learned the special grace
of just being alive.
Maybe there was once a time
when we sought to reach the stars,
but there is something that’s sublime
In “Good enough, it’s ours.”
We find a calm deliberation
in patched and half-assed days,
and it’s not hallucination
when you see us offer praise
for what was pallet before,
and frames now our new screen door.