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In the comments on my He’s NOT A Big Kid! XY Code post several women suggested men being messy was evidence of immaturity. Several men talked about their wife being messy and did not suggest that made her immature. Others seemed to think messy was a male thing. I rejected both the idea that it’s about immaturity or that it’s a male thing.
That said, for some women messiness is a big deal.
I’m a messy person. Part of that is a passive-aggressive reaction to the ridiculously high standard my mother set for neatness. And part of it is just how I am. I have a busy, cluttered mind, that leads to busy and cluttered surroundings.
Early in our marriage, this was a major point of contention for us. I eventually realised that one, my wife’s standard was very reasonable, and two, my level of messiness was hurting her. I’ve not become a neat person, but I’ve improved a great deal. And because Lori’s standard is reasonable, I’ve been able to reduce my messiness to a point where she is no longer upset or hurt by it.
I don’t understand being so unhappy with messiness that it hurts, but I accept it’s real and not something that can just be ignored or “gotten over”. If messy bothers your wife, that’s part of how she is. She can’t change it. She might stop complaining and hurt in silence, but she is still hurting. However, you can, if you love her enough, become less messy.
Of course, there needs to be some give and take here. If her standard is too high you’re not likely to achieve it. If that seems to be the case for you, it’s time for a long difficult talk. Find out what messes most bother her so you can prioritise your efforts. Find a way for you to have a messy work area that she doesn’t see or can choose to ignore. The compromise probably needs to be more than halfway to her side, but she has to give some too.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey | Sacred rhythms ◄ Maybe you need a clean up rhythm?
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From what I have seen, though not experienced, the moving of goalposts can become an issue.
Some women will set a standard that at first seems reasonable, but becomes a pry-bar to achieve a Better Homes and Gardens pictorial ambience.
This is so my husband and me. But actually it used to be the other way around — I used to be the messy one, and in my case it was also a bit of a rebellion against my upbringing — my mom made me keep my room neat and when I moved out to college, I was filthy, my clothes were in piles all over the floor, and my bed didn’t get made once in four years. I married my husband at 21 and continued in my filthy ways, lol until it gradually began to bother me and embarrass me. I remember being in grad school and having my study partner politely wait for me to dig through my pile of crumpled up papers to find the assignment we were supposed to work on together, and her notebook was perfectly organized and the assignments were in there all in order. Things like that began to embarrass me and I thought to myself “you need to adult better”. I began to change my habits and found that i really enjoyed living in a tidy home. Then as time went on, you could say I took it to the extreme. I now can’t relax unless the house is perfectly tidy. If I could change anything about myself, this would be it— I get really uptight and upset when there is any mess or clutter, and I wish I could be more laid back or not care as much and just be in the moment. Interestingly, most people I know that grew up in obsessively tidy homes turn out in one of two ways as adults: either they also become obsessively tidy, or they go to the other extreme and become slobs. I think the psychology around this is really fascinating.
@Tory – The two most common reactions to any extreme or abuse are being the same or the polar opposite.
Some never move past that, sadly. Either way, they are being controlled by their parent.