Podcast: Download
Subscribe RSS
Over on The XY Code yesterday, I started my post with this:
Imagine this. Dinner is over and your husband says “Go sit on the deck while I do the dishes.” A bit later, as the sun is setting, he comes out with a tray. On the tray are your favourite beverage and an amazing-looking dessert. He snuggles up to you and tells you how much he loves you as you enjoy the colours of the sky and the flavours of the dessert.
For men, sex is a lot like that. It pushes all the buttons and makes him feel wonderful and loved. Yes, it’s really that big a deal to him. It’s why he wants it “all the time“.
One woman said, “If my husband was that sweet I’d probably actually want sex with him.“
I’ve had men say “I shouldn’t have to earn sex with my wife!”
Okay, but in the real world men who don’t earn it don’t get it. Or more accurately don’t get much, and most of what they get isn’t the kind of sex he wants. We could argue about whether or not that’s fair, but doing so won’t get anyone more sex.
It’s human nature to be generous to those who make you feel good and take care of you, so this dynamic isn’t shocking.
You may be thinking “If I got more sex, I’d do more for her.” There are two problems with that approach. First, it gives her all the power. You sit around hoping she will suddenly start to be more generous sexually.
The second issue is that sex is more personal than the kinds of things your wife would like you to do for her. You don’t have to feel loved to feed her dessert on the deck. You can choose to do it even if she’s been horrible to you all day. But having sex when you don’t feel loved is difficult and it feels bad. Practically speaking, it’s far easier to do loving things for her when you’re not feeling it than it is for her to have sex when she’s not feeling it.
Should you have to earn sex from your wife? I think a better question would be “Can you improve the chances of sex by being more loving to your wife?“
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | Start with kindness ◄ Always a good plan
Image Credit: © annebel146 | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
This is a terrible point of view.
Turn the tables…if she had to give sexual favors to receive listing time and flowers and maybe a nice home cookedn meal while she has a nice relaxing bath with a glass of wine. But ONLY if she give some good loving first. Right?!
@Tim – If she never had sex with you, would you be able to keep doing all those things? It would be difficult even if you tried. And of course, you should try. But at some point, it would become very difficult.
I don’t think anyone needs to earn sex with their spouse. This rubs me the wrong way. Sex shouldn’t be transactional. Sex should be about intimacy and mutual pleasure. For great sex, you need a great relationship, and that is not going to happen if one or both spouses feel unloved or taken for granted. So actively working to be a loving spouse, as well as learning to be a good lover, will result in more frequent and better sex, and that’s not the same thing as having to earn it.
@Tory – Lori and I discussed the word earn, and I removed it in a couple of places. I agree with you it’s a terrible way to phrase it. But the idea is still valid and real, isn’t it?
What you said is the same thing I said at the end, isn’t it?
Sure, you’ve gotta earn the right
to get into her pants
this night (or on ANY night),
and ask for no advance
on intimacy with a vow
that tomorrow you’ll do better.
Live with what you are right now,
own it to the letter,
and let the chips fall where they may,
even if you’re sleeping on the couch;
you can’t wish or talk away
your actions that provoked an “Ouch!”,
so earn her trust by slow degrees
for it’s your job to respect, and please.
Hi Paul,
I think it comes down to more wooing of your spouse. That may look like acts of service, it may look like initiating sex, it may look like a quiet ride in nature. I agree that when my husband steps up his help around the house and does romantic thing just because, not to earn a reward of any sort, it makes me more interested because I don’t feel like just a housekeeper with extended duties. Dating, wooing, shouldn’t stop when marital sex starts. It often does though and you end up with relationships where sex is a to do item not the result of an intimate relationship because the relationship side died out.
@2cents – Wooing is a good word.
We are strict Catholics and don’t use birth control, so there is a significant window where we can’t have intercourse. I was feeling frustrated during this time and wanted my wife to pleasure me with her hand, but she didn’t want to. I offered to do exrra chores around the house to “earn” her hand, and she jumped at it! We both are happier, as I get the sex I want and she gets to choose the extra chores. We do NOT do this transaction for making love when we can have intercourse.
The answer is no. Doesn’t matter how loving I am, it doesn’t improve the chances that my wife will be in the mood. She has a severe anxiety disorder, PTSD, and sexual trauma from her past. So, occasionally she will be sexually charged, and when she is, the sex is amazing. But other times, her anxiety is so high that the experience makes me feel uncomfortable, because she’s clearly not enjoying herself. We average maybe once every couple of weeks, but she’s probably only “into it” once a month. I’m the high libido partner, obviously, so most nights I go to bed disappointed, which she can sense at times. But I always wake up hopeful the next day and do nice things for her throughout the day, even if I know the chances of her wanting sex are slim to none. And no, it wasn’t always this way. The first couple of years of our relationship were the opposite, I could barely keep up, and she would tell me things like “this is just how I am” and that she enjoys daily sex, etc. This changed shortly after we moved in together, suddenly I became the insensitive husband for wanting what had been “normal” for so long. There are so many qualities I love about my wife, but this will always be an issue, and she isn’t interested in getting help (she’s in individual therapy to work through her trauma but refuses couple’s counseling). So, I visit sites like this, constantly searching for answers.