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Being on Quora is a scary insight into how people think and process life. I’ve blocked the flat earth folks (there are a number of them) but I still regularly see people saying things that are as crazy as that. I keep wondering how anyone can believe the things they swear are real. I understand why crop failures were blamed on witches hundreds of years ago, but today we know better, don’t we? And if we don’t, we all have more knowledge at our fingertips that anyone could have accessed a few decades ago.
Of course, the problem is not knowledge. The problem is habits are powerful, and some truths are difficult. We tell ourselves fairy tales because we don’t want to deal with reality. We are predisposed to believe lies that make us feel better about ourselves or the world around us.
So what does all of this have to do with marriage? The same cognitive biases, fears, and denial that cause people to think the world is flat are at work in you and your wife as you walk together in marriage. There are parts of reality that are not what you want, and it’s tempting to deny or skew those things so they’re easier to deal with. It makes us feel better about ourselves, but it doesn’t make our marriages better.
For example: If your wife starts saying no to sex more often, is your first thought to wonder what you might have done to cause that? Or do you put the blame on her, without any real evidence the story you’re telling yourself is true? Are you looking for the truth even if it hurts, or looking for a story that makes you the victim and her the problem?
I hear a lot of claims about how husbands are, and how wives are. Some of them show up in the comments on my blogs. Many of these are sweeping generalisations based on stereotypes, fear, and ignorance. These claims make us feel better about ourselves by making our problems all about our spouse. But they do nothing to make our marriage better, and they can keep us from doing what is necessary to make our marriages better.
The solution is simple, if not painful at times. When the truth is more important than feeling good, looking good, or escaping blame, we are more likely to see the truth. When we can handle the truth, we’re more likely to find it. If we value and want the truth even when we don’t like it, we will walk in truth. It’s not always comfortable, but it allows us to deal with reality, which is the only way to change things.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey | Integrity and character ◄ And why you need both, together.
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
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There was a thing I told myself,
that I was truly fine,
but when I pulled truth from the shelf,
I found that I was lyin’
through my teeth and through my eyes
for long as it would work,
and then I learned, to my surprise,
that I really was a jerk
who thought a hooch was fitting home
for my lovely bride,
and that became contention-bone
and a point of pride
which might have brought a marriage-fall
like Humpty Dumpty from the wall.
Could be something you did.
Could be something she’s doing. If she’s getting her sex from the guy she met at work, then yeah, it’s her.
Neither truth comes without hurt. One you have control over, the other you don’t.
All you can do is seek the truth and hope that she is being truthful with you.