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I was talking with a fellow who is remarried after a less than wonderful first marriage. He said he felt a bit guilty about doing things for his new wife he would not have done for the last one. He understands why he didn’t feel like doing those things before but said he has to own his part of it regardless of how his ex made him feel.
Very insightful on his part.
I see couples who are both in what I call minimum power maintenance mode. They do the minimum to get by, never going out of their way for their spouse. Usually, you can look at the relationship and understand why neither is inspired to do anything for the other. If you could look back you would find a time when at least one of them was different and if you went back far enough, you could probably find a time when they were both different. For whatever reason, one stopped being a loving generous spouse and the other gradually did the same. Now they both feel justified in not going out of their way for the other and their marriage is doomed to many more years of the same unless one gets so frustrated they leave.
The fellow I was talking to realised his behaviour was not acceptable to God. How his wife treated him didn’t justify his actions. She made it easy to back away and it would have been difficult to keep loving and giving, but that’s what he should have done.
If your wife stopped treating you well because of a temporary problem or stress and you followed suit, you resuming loving, generous behaviour might get her to do the same. If it’s more how she is and she’s not dealt with whatever made her that way, then you changing won’t get you much. If you backed off first, she might follow your lead if you change. But being loving, kind, and generous is the right thing to do regardless of how it plays out for you.
A post worth reading:
The Art of Non-Conformity | To Stop Comparing Yourself to Others, Decide in Advance What Success Looks Like ◄ Totally works for marriage!
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This is where we are both at right now. I bent over backwards for our marriage for 20 years. Praying, researching, reading, seeking counsel, asking hubby questions, going out of my way for him, sacrificing, enduring his abuses and trying to get to the bottom of why he is the way he is, and asking God what my part is in all this.
Now, I’m burned out. I’m on minimum power mode not out of spite, but because I have the bare minimum left. But, because I have the bare minimum left, he has withdrawn into his almost nothing. No affection (except for sex, of course). No kind words or deeds. No conversation, unless it is on a topic entirely of his interest, and then he talks to me like he would a stranger in a store.
I’m trying so hard to crawl out of this crazy cycle, but crawling out of it is what put me here in the first place, being the spouse who tries and tries and tries and burns out.
I feel like I pour all my water into his vessel, but he dumps it out and then complains it is empty. Am I not surprised? He does the same to his mom, to God.
@libl, my heart aches for your situation. Would you consider making an appointment with a (male) licensed marriage counselor, and telling your husband that you would like him to join you, but that you are going with or without him? I push counseling a lot here, and that’s due to my personal positive experience. I was once in your shoes and the marriage counseling we went through was the single most thing that had the most effect on our relationship. Sometimes the husband just needs to hear it from a neutral third party for things to sink in. We went for almost 3 years the first time, and recently went through counseling again (different therapist, first guy retired. Both male, so my husband connected with them, but they were both excellent, and really understood the female perspective.) I know you feel like you’ve done everything, but sometimes prayer is just not enough. I don’t think your situation will get better on its own. If you have insurance, you might only have a $15 copay. If you don’t have insurance, many will do a sliding scale, and it’s still cheaper in the long run than getting a divorce. Blessings to you
@Tory – I second the suggestion. Even if hubby won’t go or goes and does not change, she can learn ways to cope better and be hurt less. A third party can give excellent insight.
My wife has to take my hand
in these days of now,
for I no longer understand
the why or even how.
I’ve run fevers far too high
for mere mortals to survive,
and the brain-change is the why
that a part of me can’t thrive,
the part that maybe was the best,
to hold hands, do other things
that would make wife’s home a nest,
but dislocation’s what it brings
when fever has your brain rewired
and then left you oh-so-tired.
I totally agree. I stopped saying that some time ago. The topic is usually never important.