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Recently I discussed a common path my wife and I take on our never-ending goal of better spouses, better parents, better people, and better witnesses for our Lord. Here are the steps minus any particular situation.
- See something in another that I dislike.
- Ask myself, honestly, if I am guilty of the same thing, or something similar.
- Give some thought to what I do, and to what I think causes me to do it. Also, look at how I feel when I do what I do.
- Try to find the root causes of what I do. The vast majority of the time these roots come from childhood or adolescence.
- If the roots are issues I haven’t fully dealt with, work on those.
- Whether or not I have found or dealt with the root issues, I choose to change my behaviour.
- Decide how I want to change, and how I want to react when I am faced with a situation that nudges this.
- Enlist the help of someone I trust. Tell them what I have learned, and what change I want to enact. Ask them to hold me accountable.
- Be on the lookout for situations that could cause the wrong behaviour, and be ready to do what I have chosen to do instead.
- Keep at it, even (especially) when busy, tired, stressed, or not feeling good. Keep focusing on and working on it until the desired reaction is my first reaction.
A few notes
- Occasionally steps #1 and #2 are replaced by seeing something in myself I don’t like. I’d like to tell you that is the most common way I find things to change, but my blind spots continue to hide my problems from me.
- Occasionally steps #1 and #2 are replaced by someone pointing out in me something in myself I don’t like. I have a few people in my life I can hear such things from, and I try to take constructive criticism from anyone. Try is the operative word there – still working on that.
- In looking for roots, don’t stop at the first thing you think, look for the earliest events.
- Yes, #4 is very similar to Transformation Prayer Ministry (TPM). Lori and I have been doing this since before TPM, and the similarity is no doubt part of why we like TPM.
- #6 needs to happen even if you don’t know why, or know why but are still dealing with that. Don’t let those limitations be an excuse for not choosing to change.
- On #7 – if you don’t decide how you want to change, you have no goal and no way to measure progress. Be specific.
- #8 is risky if you choose the wrong person, but it’s an important step. You may succeed on your own, but we all need people in our life that will help us in this way. Besides, being willing to tell someone else shows you really want to change.
Be honest with yourself about how it’s going. Don’t beat yourself up when you blow it, but don’t play it off either
[This post first appeared Nov 11, 2011.]
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