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So over on The XY Code, we’re having an interesting discussion about what it means to respect your husband. After the first post, someone pointed to This particular feeling is EXCRUCIATING for men by Shanti Feldhanh. In that post, Shanti answered a woman who said when she offers an opinion or suggests a solution, her husband goes ballistic. Shanti explained that men have “a lot of hidden self-doubt.” She went on to say that in “many cases, when a man is trying to get something done, the issue is not really about the problem he’s trying to solve, it’s about whether [the wife thinks] he’s adequate to solve it.“
I agree with Shanti on this, but it does suggest some things we need to be doing to be better husbands. First, if a man actually goes ballistic over a suggestion, that’s not about insecurity or self-doubt, that’s an anger problem that he needs to deal with ASAP.
Beyond that, we need to get past our insecurity and self-doubts. I grew up in pretty much the same world as most of you and I get why we feel these things. Despite years of working to be otherwise, I still feel these things at times. But the fact it’s normal and understandable doesn’t make it right or good. My wife should not have to pay for what someone else did to me decades ago.
Let’s not use talk of respect to keep us from dealing with our stuff. If you’re over-sensitive, then yes, your wife should try to accommodate that. But if you have no willingness to deal with your problems, both that and the stress of her trying to work around your problems are going to hurt your marriage.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | Love expels fear ◄ Ready to take your marriage to the next level?
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Paul I agree anything related to going ballistic and anger oriented needs to be addressed, be it husband or wife.
Beyond that, I’m curious if you feel like the perspective represented would also apply not just to the husband, but also to the wife? For example, a wife should get past her insecurity and self-doubts, and her husband should not have to pay for what someone else did to her decades ago? Or is this a case where bearing one another’s burdens would apply a bit differently between the roles?
Thanks in advance for your help adding to this idea.
@Chad- I don’t see any gender difference here. I suppose I could say that headship means the man should lead by example, but his failure to do that would not let the wife off the hook with God.