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Earlier this week I did several posts based on a study that asked people what makes their romantic relationships difficult. The category of bad sex was number seven for men and number ten for women. This sounds about right. While most couples have sexual struggles, few put those in the top five problems in their marriage.
The top answer in this category was “my partner lacking sexual interest for me“. “Sexual incompatibility with my partner” was a close second. Next was “disagreements with my partner about how often we have sex“. Frequent fights about sex and taking one’s partner for granted were less than half as common as the others.
Older men and women were more likely than younger ones to rank sexual problems high. In part, this is due to changes as individuals and relationships age. It may also be that after years or decades of sexual problems they start to be seen as worse. I’ve seen men and women leave their spouses after years of marriage because they got tired of never-ending sexual struggles.
Sexual problems tend to be an ongoing annoyance that slowly degrades a marriage rather than a major issue that quickly ends it. Few folks give an ultimatum about sex. Instead, they just keep explaining it’s a problem while continuing to put up with it. This makes the other spouse complacent about it. A wife who hears over and over how hubby needs more sex decides he just likes to complain. She figures he will never actually do anything about it because so far he has just complained. Then when he does do something about it she is shocked. And by then, it’s too late for them to fix things. It’s less common, but this happens in reverse, with a woman who has complained about sex for years up and leaving the marriage over it.
If you’re the one who wants more sex or better sex, please stop soft peddling it. The slow death of your marriage is still the death of your marriage. Putting up with it increases the chances it will eventually end your marriage or leave you married in name only. Making it a major issue is deciding you’re not going to let it kill your marriage without putting up a fight.
My suggestion is this: after some prayer and thought, tell your wife you see the ongoing sexual problems slowly killing your marriage and you’re not okay with that. Ask her if she is okay with it. If she still won’t work for change, then you know and you can decide what to do next.
If your wife is the one seeking more or better sex, are you okay with that eventually ending your marriage?
A post worth reading:
The Hero Husband Project | Bad Marriage Advice #14: If You’re Having Sex, Your Marriage is Okay ◄ Sex is great, but good sex doesn’t mean your marriage is healthy.
Image Credit: © Zdenek Sasek | stock.adobe.com
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Soft pedal vs repeatedly attempting to get your spouse to engage with you to grow your marriage through a decades long problem.
Eventually you have your answer and you either accept your marriage is going to be bad or break apart your family and undercut your kids’ perception of marriage also.
Has anyone ever had a happy ending? Can God work a miracle? Please someone tell me.
Yes. Yes. Thing is, happiness is mostly up to us and something like 2/3 of disagreements never stop in marriage. It’s an exasperating formula designed to force us to grow up (still trying to figure out how).
Aside from repeated infidelity and DV, best to find our happiness where we’re at, somehow.
I can relate to this post for sure, love the cartoon, sad, but it’s true.
I didn’t give up on a good sex life for a long time, more than 10 years, closer to 20. I tried everything. I finally realized I was one of those guys that just wasn’t going to have an active partner, she was just not interested. I could either leave or stay. I stayed, not sure it was the right choice or not, I left part of my life somewhere.
It is a little better now, not sure it was worth waiting 30 years for it to be a “little” better. Leaving someone over a bad sex life is difficult. I do have resentment that I will never get over. I am not mad at her at all, maybe disappointed in myself.
That’s the decision I’m struggling with. I spent the first decade of our marriage trying everything I could do to spark her interest in me with no effect. Eventually I just gave up and accepted the fact that I will never have a sex life with my wife. She has never had any desire for me and nothing I ever did made a difference. We’re nothing more than roommates now and even the friendship that we used to have is fading. We coexist and nothing more.
Up until recently I haven’t been able to afford to leave because of the divorce laws in our jurisdiction. Now she’s starting a new job that she could support herself on and it looks like I may actually be able to afford it soon. I’m struggling with taking that step because it feels like if I end my marriage then my whole life up to this point has been a complete waste. Admitting that is difficult and painful. I missed out on having children and a family of my own all because my wife wasn’t interested in sex. That’s tough to handle.
My husband is bad at it . He lasts about 5-10 seconds. He knows he has had this problem for ever but does nothing about it but try and guilt trip me into the fact that he wants it.
I’m not one of these women who will lay there and act like it’s okay even though it’s short and bad. I have found that I have a form of resentment towards him because of it. I don’t even ask him for it but I get very irritated when he says he tries to initiate. He has always struggled financially as well. I cover my bills with my business and he covers some but I think I am no longer physically attracted to him and I know he’s bad intimately so I don’t see a future with him and he’s oblivious thinking I’m going to put up with this for ever even though I have told him repeatedly that I’m not going to.
I know God is against divorce but there is no way I’m going to be 80 & still dealing with a man that is not financially stable and bad at sex.
He is nice and caring but that doesn’t make up for the other aspects. Especially when he tells me he really needs it. Stop asking already. The answer is no. Fix the problem. I’ve tried to help him for years with no success. It just made him more oblivious thinking he would get it anyway. The last time we had it, a year ago, it didn’t even make it 10 seconds. He literally just started and it was done.
@Done with it! – There is no cure for premature ejaculation. A delay cream will give him a couple of minutes more. Other treatments are the same. The solution is for him to learn to pleasure you in other ways before and/or after intercourse.