Clinginess and Lack of Personal Time and Space

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In the study I mentioned yesterday, clinginess or being too dependent on one’s partner was the most mentioned obstacle to a good intimate relationship. I find it amazing that folks admitted to their own failing this strongly. I suppose the way the survey was done helped with this. When you rate how bad dozens of things are, it’s easier to admit to your faults.

The issues under this category from most to least mentioned were I become easily dependent on my partner, I am too clingy, and I tend to adapt to my partner’s needs without considering my own.

I do wonder how much these are influenced by public opinion. In the world, people are warned about being “too dependent on others”. The whole “looking out for number one” thing warns us that no one else will care for us so we have to protect ourselves. I find that idea contrary to what the Bible tells us and I wonder if serious Christians would be less likely to “confess” this problem.

That said, it’s certainly possible to become too dependent on your spouse. The last item listed, adapting to one’s partners while ignoring your own needs, is a problem I see in a fair number of women. Some have been wrongly taught this is what it means to be obedient. The problem is most folks can’t do this forever. It breeds discontent, then contempt. Then one day the husband comes home to an empty house.

Lack of personal time and space was the second most common answer for men, but number four for women. The interaction between this and clinginess is interesting. Some men and women feel a lack of personal space and time because their spouse is clingy. Others have the same problem because they are clingy.

There were a number of issues under this category. The top one was mentioned twice as often as the bottom one.

1. Lack of personal time and space
2. My partner is clingy
3. My partner constrains me
4. I am tired of constantly reporting on where I am and what I do
5. I want to have more personal time and space
6. My partner is always nagging
7. I feel that the relationship constrains me
8. I feel that my partner is oppressing me

I could say a lot about all of those, but I want to focus on the bigger issue. We all need personal time and space, but how much varies a great deal from person to person. Lori and I have lived the last seven years in a 33-foot RV. We’ve learned how to make it work pretty well. I think it’s harder on her than it is on me. We have both done fine, but we’re both looking forward to doubling our space in the next few months.

This is an issue where we need balance. If you have too much personal time and space, you don’t have a marriage. In a world that worships self, this is a very real danger. However, if your wife says she needs more time or space and you don’t find a way to make that happen, that’s bad for your marriage. Likewise, if you feel you need more time or space. But here’s the thing, if you’re doing too much, you may feel you need more time to yourself while you’re not giving your wife nearly enough time. 

If either of you needs more personal time or space, you have to decide what gets cut out to make that happen. Unless you and your wife spend huge amounts of time together, cutting back on time together is almost certainly the wrong choice. 

I would also note that most of the items on that time and space list are a matter of opinion. Just because you or your wife feels those things doesn’t mean they are true. This is a place where an objective third party can be a big help.

A post worth reading:

the art of non-conformity | Change Your Narrative in a Believable Way ◄ If you want to change your narrative, you have to choose a narrative you believe.

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