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I’ve talked about responsive versus spontaneous arousal a number of times here. But what I’ve said has not always fit the model perfectly. I have a problem with the words used. So too do most of the folks who are talking about this. But as often happens, we are stuck with the words used at first even though they don’t fit well.
If I get horny because I see my wife changing clothes, that’s not spontaneous. I’m responding to the sight of her sexy body. Aside from the pathway, how is that different from her getting aroused by my touch? Both are in response to outside stimulation.
To me, spontaneous arousal happens without any outside stimulation. When you were 13 you could have been locked in an empty room and you would have felt aroused a dozen or so hours after you masturbated, no external stimulation needed. Even that was a response to something, but it’s an internal something. And while that 12 hours has gotten longer as we get older, most of us still get horny because it’s been a certain number of hours since we climaxed. I mean I’m 61 and it still happens to me.
Most women don’t experience this kind of “it’s been a while” arousal. Some do, and a very few do even apart from the hormonal push of ovulation or approaching menstruation. But spontaneous desire is not the norm for women. Some are more easily aroused if it’s been a while, but some actually find arousal more difficult after a number of days without sex. There is far more variation in women’s arousal than men’s.
If you get horny after a certain amount of time, you experience what is most common for men. If your wife does not do this, or is only that way once a month, then she is experiencing what is most common for women. The problem is when she gets upset at how you function or you get upset at how she functions. That, and we’ve done a good job of convincing most men and women that women should function the way we do.
If you get this wrong, it makes sex more difficult. If you’ve had it wrong, it’s time to talk about it and figure out what is real and how to make the best of that.
A post worth reading:
PsyPost | Women withhold honest sexual communication to protect their partner’s perceived masculinity, study finds ◄ Women who are concerned about threatening their partner’s masculinity are less likely to be honest about their sexual needs.
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