What Do You Do With A Broken Wife?

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What do you do if your wife is broken?

We’re all both beautiful and broken and, for the most part, we can learn to work with that. But what if your wife is really a mess and it’s not getting better? I’m not talking about a difference of opinion or how God made her. What if there is something that really needs to change?

First, what about you? If you are in any way contributing to or feeding what you think needs to change, you need to deal with that first. If you’re part of the problem, she can use that to justify doing nothing about the problem. 

Second, consider that while it may need to be dealt with, it might not be your place to demand that. I’m not saying you don’t have a “right” to deal with it, but rather suggesting that you may not be the best person to do it. Or maybe God is working with her and you will just get in the way and mess up His plan. I would suggest a good deal of thought and prayer go into deciding if you should be the one to say something.

Third, if you believe you should speak up, make sure you choose the right time. Just jumping on it when she does it yet again is understandable, but it’s a very poor way to get the results you want. Discussing it when you’re both calm is important and that probably means some time other than when it has just occurred. Some couples can flag something when it happens and go back to discuss it later; that’s great if it works in your marriage, otherwise, don’t. 

If you worked through all those things and you’re still convinced you need to talk to her about whatever, here are a few things that can make it go better.

• Don’t accuse – that just puts her on the defensive.
• A brief recent example can help, but don’t belabour it, and don’t give a lot of examples.
• Try to communicate how you feel when she does the thing you don’t like. To start with, she functions more on feelings, so this is speaking her language. Beyond that, it means you aren’t condemning her; you’re sharing how it hurts you.
• Try not to get hung up on right and wrong, even if her actions are clearly wrong. If you get into an argument about right and wrong that means you’re not dealing with the action.
• Don’t think proving you’re right morally will somehow force her to change – it probably won’t.
• Don’t pile on. Decide what you want to discuss and don’t add other complaints as you go. Burying her makes you feel right, but it makes her feel horrible and that’s not going to motivate her to change.
• Gently reschedule if she tries to counter with something unrelated. Don’t ignore or dismiss what she says. Acknowledge it and ask to discuss it after you have dealt with what you brought up. (Please be sure to play by the same rules when she confronts you!)
• Keep it short. The longer you go over (and over, and over) something, the less likely she will be willing to deal with it.
• Be willing to walk away without a promise to change or even to try to change. Give her time to think about it and modify her actions. Pushing her for something now will make her feel bullied and could result in her agreeing to far less than she would be willing to do after some thought. There’s also the risk of pushing into more than she can do.

Dealing with difficult things is never fun and it’s always stressful. But done well, it’s far less horrible for both of you and much more likely to end well.

mike glenn | Tuesday ◄ Have you learned how to live well on Tuesdays?

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