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Last month when I was doing research for an XY Code post about mindful sex, I saw a lot of warnings about “orgasm focus” and how it was a problem. This was mostly shared by women, and was often followed by something along the lines of “Orgasm is not the goal. If it happens that’s nice, if it doesn’t that’s fine.“
And every man reading this is thinking, “NO! That’s not fine, not coming is a problem!“
I do understand that putting too much focus on orgasm can make orgasm less likely for some women, and making her orgasm too much of a big deal may be counterproductive. But this is not a male problem! Most of us struggle more with delaying our orgasm than making it happen, and getting aroused enough for sex and not coming would be a problem in several ways.
That said, being all about orgasm can be a problem for men because they are so focused on coming that they miss out on a lot of the other pleasures to be had from sex. Many men are this way because they spent years wanting sex, and when they got married they were desperately horny and were looking for release. If you’ve struggled with less sex than you want, this problem may have continued. It’s difficult to enjoy a slow meal when you haven’t eaten in days. But slowing down will make it more enjoyable for both of you, so make an effort.
Learn to enjoy foreplay. Enjoy the feel of her breasts and vulva as your fingers explore and arouse her. Learn to know how aroused she is by how she feels. Learn to draw out her arousal so her climax is better. Learn to enjoy her orgasm, and work to make it separate from yours so you can focus both of them in turn. Learn to savour the feeling of first entering her vagina, and wait a bit to thrust so you can soak it up. When you come, don’t be in a hurry to withdraw, stay and enjoy being close to and inside of her. And then enjoy the afterglow.
If you see your orgasm as a wonderful part of sex which means it’s coming to an end, you won’t be in such a hurry to get there. Besides being better for you, being in less of a hurry will allow your wife to relax, and that will make sex easier and better for her.
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Agree with this one. Times I never finished and it was just the way it was. Sometimes to tired. At certain times DF invited me to with out worrying about hers. It was a great time we had.
Saying this from experience: “Orgasm is not the goal. If it happens, that’s nice. if it doesn’t, that’s fine.” is an easy way for women to cope mentally with not getting the quality or quantity of orgasms they really actually want. I fall into this mindset rut frequently, as orgasms are elusive for me. It’s often easier to just let go of them than experiencing the mental and emotional and physical anguish of not getting what you want so badly time after time after time for DECADES! Sometimes, it’s healthiest to just let things go. That’s been my experience with my own orgasms. My husband hasn’t seemed to care, since he too found my inability to orgasm highly frustrating as well. Sex for him physically and me emotionally is much easier, albeit not nearly the quality of sex life I’d like ideally.
I wish my wife would want to do more playing around during sex. I sometimes get to kiss her breasts for a minute or si but she doesn’t want to be touched anywhere else and doesn’t normally touch me at all. She normally has her orgasm in 2 or 3 minutes and then expects for me to be done soon after. I can’t remember a time where we wer not all done in 15 minutes or less. Normally it is like 5 minutes from clothes off to back on.