Her Orgasm May Not Mean What You Think

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In The Orgasm Gap, a recent Knowing Her Sexually podcast, Chris said, “My orgasm is not my husband levelling up a game.” It’s a great comment and it shows how we can blow it when we apply our sexual reality to our wife.

For most men, having an orgasm makes the sex good. It makes sense we would expect the same to be true for our wives, but the reality is our wives are women and women are different.

There are two sides to this:

An orgasm doesn’t mean she enjoyed sex

As much as she may struggle to orgasm on some occasions, orgasm is very much a reflex response to stimulation. The brain can speed up or slow down how long it takes for that to happen, but only to a degree. Give her enough of the right stimulation and she will come, even if she has no desire to do so. If she’s not into sex emotionally, an orgasm doesn’t magically change that. In fact, she may consider an orgasm when she’s not into sex a bad thing. 

Adding to the problem is the fact she knows you see her orgasm as proof she did want it and did enjoy it. You believe the reflex over what she tells you and that’s frustrating for her. Some women are also frustrated that their husband just keeps going till she orgasms after she said she didn’t want to. She would have been fine with a quickie for you, but you turn it into a marathon that only ends when her body gives you what you want. This, BTW, is a good way to ensure less “just for you sex“.

Not orgasming doesn’t mean sex was bad

Let me preface this by saying it’s not true for all women. Some women want to come every time and feel deprived and/or physically frustrated if they don’t. However, most women are sometimes perfectly happy to have sex without coming.

This sounds crazy to you because your body is different from her body. She can have sex and not get so aroused she “needs to come”. She can get just aroused enough to make intercourse comfortable and not need release. She can also give you manual or oral sex without getting desperately horny. I don’t understand it, and like you, I wish it were not so, but for most women sex is sometimes this way. 

The other thing is to realise that she is getting far more out of sex emotionally than you do. She likes being close and she enjoys you enjoying yourself. If she didn’t come and says she enjoyed it, I suggest you take her at her word.

The bottom line is she’s not like you and that does not mean she’s broken. Pushing her to climax when she doesn’t want to is neither loving nor kind and it harms your sex life and your marriage. As I’ve said before, she should have as many orgasms as she wants each time you have sex and zero is a valid number!

A post worth reading:

Seth’s Blog | The power of TK ◄ A great idea for some marriage issues, and a horrible one for others.

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