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First, let me say that some of you who think this doesn’t apply to you are wrong. Early in marriage when women find it difficult to orgasm reliably, they tell themselves and their husband’s that their orgasm isn’t that important. I’m not saying it’s your fault if she pointed you that way, but I am saying you should verify she still feels that way.
Other women have just given up because their husband’s actions have let them know they get to come if they’re lucky, or if he’s feeling loving or is not too tired. And some women who really didn’t care in the past do now, but they don’t know how to bring it up. It could be embarrassment or they may think it’s asking too much.
A big part of the problem is that most men, and a good number of women, think a man’s orgasm is more important or more critical. This, of course, is wrong. When women get aroused their vulva swells and if they don’t come their swelling doesn’t go down nearly as fast as ours does if we don’t come. She needs an orgasm to get arousal release. Biblically there is zero support for her pleasure to be less important. Both 1 Cor 7 and the Song of Songs are all about her pleasure.
If she really wants less sex than you want, occasionally doing something just for you is fine. But a lot of women would like to come more often and don’t because they think their husband doesn’t care or is unwilling to take care of them. Other women feel trapped by habit and routine.
Next Saturday I will talk about what you can do to ensure she comes every time she wants to, but technique won’t help if either of you sees her orgasms as less important than your orgasms. If she wants to orgasm, are you ready to do whatever it takes? If the norm is she often does not orgasm, are you going to let her know you would like that to change if she wants it to change? Are you ready to tell her it’s her right to come as often as she wants and that you are there for her?
Please don’t assume your wife is okay with the status quo. Ask some hard questions and then listen carefully.
A post worth reading:
mike glenn | Most Things Take Practice ◄ “Getting good at ANYTHING takes our whole lives.” – And that includes sex!
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She should enjoy all the time…..Make time for her..
Paul, here is the fundamental problem of both of your blogs. Based what I gather from my own personal experience, and from reading comments over the past few years, people seek out your blogs because they are unhappy in their marriage, frequently because of sex. They are looking for help and advice. Their spouses are often selfish or clueless (both men and women). Their spouses are NOT the ones reading this blog. Thus the frequent indignant comments on posts such as this one from husbands who are conscientious lovers and want to give their wives ultimate pleasure in the marriage bed. The selfish ones won’t read this post. Similarly to your “do not deprive” advice to wives — many comments from women protesting how they are the higher drive spouse and in fact their husband is the one disinterested. I guess I would say you’re preaching to the choir??? The people reading this post are most likely not the ones who need to read it.
@Tory – Your point is valid, but there are enough exceptions to matter. Both Lori and I have had people tell us that they found our blogs at a bad time in their marriage, and it really helped. I’ve heard the same from many other bloggers. More than one marriage has been helped or even saved because Google pointed to blogs or websites that gave people what they needed to hear.
I try to make most of what I do here for those who are like you say. People who have okay marriages and are looking to make them better. But some of it is for those who are desperately looking for a solution.
As for this post, I honestly think some men don’t have a clue because they eventually accepted their wife saying it was okay, and when it was no longer okay she didn’t say anything and they don’t see the hints.