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As I mentioned last Saturday, orgasm is more difficult and far less sure for women. For a few lucky ladies, the difference is minor, but for many it is significant. Imagine for a moment how it would feel to know that every time you had sex there was a chance you would have to work hard to come and sometimes it wouldn’t happen no matter what you did or how much you wanted/needed it.
Is it any wonder most wives are less into sex than their husbands?
There are a number of things you can do to make sex better, easier, and more orgasmic for your wife. Using a vibrator is one of the easiest and surest ways to do that.
Before we cover what to do with a vibe, I should mention that some women are resistant to the idea of bringing a vibrator into their marriage bed. Sometimes this is due to anti-sex teaching they got growing up. It might also be that they feel they shouldn’t need a vibrator. I suggest you take the approach that you find it unfair sex is more difficult for her and you’re open to ways to change that. Don’t push hard, but let her know you would gladly go there for her.
You may also have to deal with your wrong thinking. Some guys have the idea that their wife shouldn’t need anything other than their penis to enjoy sex. Of course, this is based on bad information. About half of women will never climax from intercourse alone and expecting her to do that when she can’t is a good way to ruin sex for both of you. A vibrator is a tool that you can use to make sex better for your wife and being open to doing that is the loving and generous choice.
Using a vibe doesn’t mean she’s broken or you are less of a man. It means you’re both reasonable people who want to make your sex life the best it can be.
There are a huge variety of vibrators on the market and you can spend a lot of money. But you can get a nice little vibe that will make a big difference without having to take out a loan. I’ll discuss that more after we talk about how to use a vibrator.
Using A Vibe
A vibe is not for foreplay. You do the usual things to get her aroused; kiss, fondle, stroke and so on. Take your time. A bit of manual stimulation of her genitals before you grab the vibe is a good idea.
A vibrator can easily overstimulate her, especially when you first apply it. So start on a low setting and slowly move it from the edge of her vulva towards her clit. Until you get a feel for it, ask something like “Is that okay or is it too much?”
I know you want to sit between her legs so you can see everything. But she may feel self-conscious about this. She could also feel disconnected from you. So lie beside her. With her on her back, you lie on your side facing her with your dominant hand free. This allows you to kiss her face, her mouth, and one breast. Doing these things might help her along or might distract her; every woman is different. They might be unwanted when you start, but good when she is close to orgasm. Trial and error will teach you what’s best.
Place the vibe over her vulva and cup your hand over it. Gently push it between the labia. Move it some; up and down, side to side, or a small circle. You should be able to get a finger or two into her vagina. This may help her along and could make her orgasm stronger. I’d suggest waiting until she is good and aroused before you insert a finger. In time you can try doing some thrusting or working her g-spot but focus on the vibe until you learn how to make it work for her.
You can probably turn the vibe up as you go, but don’t rush it. Gradually increase the stimulation as she gets closer and closer to orgasm. If you have reason to think she won’t speak up if it’s too much, ask, “Do you like that, or should I turn it back down?” Turning it up too fast won’t get her there faster and it could prevent her from having an orgasm. Better to be too slow than too fast turning up the stimulation.
Aside from checking with her on specifics, try not to talk much. Asking her how it feels or if it’s working will distract her and may make her feel rushed or self-conscious. Give her the time and space to get into it.
If she opens her legs more, that’s a good indication she is enjoying what you’re doing. Heavy breathing is another good sign you’re on the right path. Most women will thrust their hips as they approach orgasm. Some do this freely and start well before orgasm, while others tend to suppress it, only moving a tiny bit right before climax. If she moves, work with that. When she moves down, move the vibe up. When she moves up, move the vibe down. This works with what her body is doing. The total movement will be fairly small and if she is thrusting a lot you may have to work to keep the vibe in place against her movement. If you get out of sync stop moving and feel her pattern, then start again.
In general, her orgasm is longer than your orgasm, and she won’t get as hypersensitive. Some women want full stimulation till they’re done, while others want stimulation gradually backed off during their orgasm. Again, trial and error. You can reduce stimulation by dropping the vibe speed or not pressing it into her body as much.
Buying A Vibe
You can spend as little as ten dollars or well over a hundred on a vibe. You may want to go with something moderately priced at first but cheap won’t last long.
An egg or bullet vibrator is ideal. It fits your hand and her vulva well, and it’s not a scary shape. A soft cover on the vibe is nice, but a hard surface is fine too. You want at least three speeds, and four or five are better. Some vibes also have various patterns of vibration. I’d suggest starting with constant vibration and trying the patterns later.
One of the biggest issues is how you control the vibe. If the only controls are on the vibe, changing speed may interrupt what you’re doing. A wired controller allows you to use your other hand to control it. A wireless remote is even better but costs more.
Our favourite place to get vibrators and plenty of other sex toys is Married Dance.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey | What’s in the well… ◄ What we say to others is often more about us than them.
Photo by We-Vibe Toys on Unsplash
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Vibrators can be an easier way for her to climax. But if she can climax without one, don’t stop doing that in favor of ease. We have found that she can no longer climax any other way but with a vibrator (and sometimes she requires a combination of vibrators). I think they are great tools for women who absolutely cannot climax any other way, or as an occasional special treat. But at least in our case, they made it way too easy to stop trying via oral, manual or intercourse. We still do those things, but they don’t even get her close.
@closertotheheart – Seems to me that should be her call. Maybe she is tired of struggling to come without it.
Then there are women who will come a few times a month if they don’t use a vibe, and a couple of times a week if they do. Should she forgo a number of orgasms just to avoid “needing” the vibrator?
@Paul – No. But she also shouldn’t use vibrators as a crutch to not have to be intentional about fantasizing about and being sexual with her husband. I can make an effort to stop being sexual, and it will lead to me taking longer to orgasm. Or I can make thinking of and being sexual with my spouse a priority and it will enhance my ability to perform when I’m with her.
What if we lived in a world where vibrators didn’t exist? Then those who had trouble enjoying sex with a spouse that wanted them to would be forced to deal with the situation.
@closer, I hope you take Paul’s advice on this one. You seem like a good guy who cares about his wife and this is obviously a sore topic for you. But please don’t make her needing a vibe all about you. Your last sentence about what if we lived in a world where vibes didn’t exist and the spouse would have to deal — wow. How is that different than telling a near sighted person “what if we lived in a world without contact lenses— you would suck it up and deal.” Just because it is possible to survive and deal in less-than-optimal circumstances, doesn’t mean we should reject modern advantages that make things easier and better. Consider too that if your wife is post menopausal, hormonal changes can make arousal and orgasm very difficult. So if she could climax without a vibe when she was younger but can’t now, this could be why. Please don’t torture yourself by making her relying on a vibe a measure of her desire for you or your ability as a lover. It’s just a tool, no more, no less.
@Tory – We have lots of vibrators and we use them every single time we get together. I’m all for her pleasure and do whatever it takes however she wants. But I can’t help but wonder if early on in our marriage if we both made the effort to naturally improve her pleasure rather than taking the quick and easy route, if we wouldn’t be so reliant on them today. That’s all I’m trying to express to anyone reading this who is earlier on in their marriage.
@closertotheheart “What if we lived in a world where vibrators didn’t exist?”
Then perhaps it would also be a world where most couples were not far too busy and stressed for sex to be easy for the wife. OUr society is hostile to a woman’s sexulity. A vibe can help her overcome that.
Or just have her hold the vibrator. That’s what we’ve always done. My husband was never able to figure out my body and preferences and bring me to orgasm, so after 10 years of marriage, I finally bought a vibrator. On the one hand, I’m thankful for it because I can finally orgasm too. On the other hand, I really resent it because I feel like a failure for only ever being able to orgasm from a vibe. It got so bad that I threw it in the trash a couple months ago in hopes that that would help us buckle down and finally figure out how to make me orgasm without one. I find that if the vibrator is an option, my husband will automatically jump to that since it’s a guaranteed orgasm for me and requires zero effort on his part.
@N – Have you tried putting a small vibe between you during face to face intercourse?
Yes, but it always wiggles out of position. Our bodies don’t fit very well together. Large weight discrepancy between the two of us (not only is he 6” taller than me, but he’s also 100-150lbs heavier than me). We find the positions that work best for us are positions where our bodies are minimally touching (ie doggy, cowgirl / reverse cowgirl). I’ve always wanted to successful try missionary; and the “lotus” position is #1 on my bucket list. But we’ve just never been able to make them work and feel natural/comfortable.