I more or less stole the title of this post from a great article on how we feel about our ability to improve. As I see it, the belief sabotaging many marriages is “people don’t change” (or can’t change, or won’t change). Most of us have heard “a leopard cannot change its spots and a tiger cannot change its stripes” which is supposed to indicate that people don’t really change.
While most of us would agree that some people could change, I find many don’t expect others to change. Of course, often we don’t want others to change, even if we don’t like how they behave.
The truth is, people can and do change. You can change, and your wife can change. One of the biggest obstacles to your changing is thinking you can’t. Another big obstacle is your wife thinking you can’t change and possibly resisting change if you try.
Change isn’t easy. Our brains like the familiar and go back to it at every chance. Change takes effort and concentration.
Because our brains like what’s familiar, we tend to feel uncomfortable about changes in our spouse, even if those changes are good. We don’t trust change, and we will unconsciously work against change, even when that change could benefit us.
Over the next few days, I will discuss change. I hope you will read with a mind open to the possibility of real change in yourself and your wife.
[This post first appeared Sept 6, 2011.]
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