Some Christians have been taught they are supposed to put up with bad or even abusive behaviour. This is not the case! And it is especially not the case with people who are or who claim to be followers of Jesus. The New Testament has a number of examples of people distancing themselves from what we could call toxic people. In fact, the Bible has a number of scriptures about those we are supposed to avoid. (I have listed a few at the bottom.) BTW, when I say abuse, I don’t just mean physical abuse. Mental, emotional, and psychological abuse are all horrible and I can find nothing in the Bible that suggests God wants us to put up with such things.
I bring this up now because we are headed into the holiday season and sadly, for some, the most toxic people in their lives are family. Yes, we are told to honour our parents, but this does not mean we have to put up with abuse.
Aside from God caring about us and not wanting us to be hurt by toxic people, 1 Corinthians 5:6-8 tells us He does not want toxic people to infect those around them. Anger begets anger in others, pride brings out pride in others, and wrong teachings spread like yeast in a loaf of bread. God wants us to avoid toxic people so they don’t harm us, our relationships, or our walk with Him. And this very much includes family.
If you have a toxic family member, it’s your duty as husband and father to protect your wife and children from that person. This is true even if that person is one of your or her parents. You need to give them a chance to behave in a decent way. If they won’t, then give an ultimatum with a clear understanding of what behaviours will not be accepted. If they still won’t act right, cut contact back to very little or none at all as necessary.
I realise doing this will be difficult, painful, and may cause anger from the very person you’re trying to protect. But the Bible really doesn’t give us an option on this. And that is for good cause; I have seen marriages crippled and destroyed by toxic friends or family members.
If you have toxic people in your life, I strongly recommend Gary Thomas’ When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People. It is a scripturally-based practical manual on identifying and dealing with toxic people. I wish I’d had this book a couple of decades ago when I was giving toxic people way too much of a place in my life!
Walk away scriptures:
As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him. ~ Titus 3:10 ESV
I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. ~ Romans 16:17 ESV
If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. ~ Matthew 18:17 ESV
For many deceivers have gone out into the world, those who do not confess the coming of Jesus Christ in the flesh. Such a one is the deceiver and the antichrist. Watch yourselves, so that you may not lose what we have worked for, but may win a full reward. Everyone who goes on ahead and does not abide in the teaching of Christ, does not have God. Whoever abides in the teaching has both the Father and the Son. If anyone comes to you and does not bring this teaching, do not receive him into your house or give him any greeting, for whoever greets him takes part in his wicked works. ~ 2 John 1:7-11 ESV
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. ~ 2 Timothy 3:1-5 ESV
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This is so true. We had to walk away from toxic family (mine) and while it was hard it was the smartest decision we ever made. We left the door open for years for reconciliation but they were never willing to act in a healthy manner. It’s sad but it’s also freeing.
It is the duty of both a husband and wife to have open conversations with each other and to address problems together. If a family member, friend, pastor, is toxic , they you need to come to a decision together to decide what should be done about it. These are boundaries and decisions that you make as a couple for the good of your family. A woman can protect herself, her husband and her family right alongside her husband, and you are asking her her to be angry is you attempt to cut her off from people without her consent, just as a man would feel angry is she did the same to him.