A comment on a post over on The XY Code led me to an interesting study of social psychologist Erving Goffman and what he called Dramaturgical analysis.
Goffman suggested our face to face interactions are like theatrical performances. He said these performances are our attempt to control how others perceive us. Our clothing (or costume) the items we carry (our props) and our tone and gestures are all part of our act. Goffman also suggested there is an onstage area where wevplay to the audience and a backstage private area where we can be ourselves. Reminds me of Scott Saul’s suggestion that one of the ways to be great is to “Be the same at home as in public.”
As Shakespeare put it “All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players;” ~ As You Like It, Act II, Scene VII
What makes all of this far worse is that we’re not doing improv; society has written our parts for us. Our parents were our first “directors”. Then our friends got into the mix. School, church, work, everyone has an idea of who we should be and how we should act. If we deviate too much from the expected role, people will be there to correct us. “No, no, that’s not your line. You are supposed to say _______.“
Let me ask you, is your marriage a backstage area where you’re yourself or are you playing a part there too? What about your wife, is she playing a part?
How can you hope to ever have a good marriage if both of you are playing a part that is not who God made you to be?
Photo by Eduardo Pastor on Unsplash
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I’m an actor. If you see my social media, you might be jealous of my life :-) on the outside, I have it all- beautiful house, great vacations, cute kids who get good grades and are high achievers, a handsome husband who loves me, stylish clothes, a high profile career. Here is the truth: I struggle with self-doubt; I struggle to connect with my kids and often get frustrated with them. I can be deeply insecure. I have many friends, but few close friends. My husband and i fight frequently. I have unhealthy coping mechanisms. I’m struggling to focus at work but I can’t tell anyone. I have a complicated relationship with church. My life is far from perfect as you can see! The one place I am able to be authentic is my marriage, I don’t think I am an actor there.