Last Friday I suggested thinking more and reacting less. However, if you’re like I am, maybe you need to think less.
In Do You Fall Into the Trap of Overthinking?, Gretchen Rubin talks about “the tension between constructive attempts at greater self-knowledge and pointless rumination”. I think this is even more common with marriage situations than it is for other things. When we’re dealing with marriage, we don’t have all the information. Even if your wife is trying to communicate what she thinks, feels, and needs, she won’t do it perfectly. You also we don’t have power over some of the situation. Lacking both information and power, too much thinking can easily result in a mental death spiral.
My personal version of this is a mental chess game where I decide my “next move” and then try to imagine all the possible moves she could make in response to my move. Then I worked out my replies to all of her possible moves and what she could do after that, and on and on. That’s an excessive amount of thought about things that will never happen and anxiety about things she might do. I used to do this a lot, and it wasn’t even remotely helpful. In fact, it just made things worse.
Are you thinking too much about the problems in your marriage? Are you thinking too far ahead? Maybe less thinking would be a good thing.
[This post first appeared May 13, 2011.]
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | Love works ◄ Don’t get lazy!
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