So a confession. Lori and I have been short and rude to each other more in the last nine months than in the several years before that. Not ugly screaming or nasty accusations, but things neither of us wants to do to the other. (And both of us are more upset at what we do than what the other is doing “to” us.) Our best guess is this is a result of a really insane year. In addition to the stress of Covid-19 and a rough political season, we’ve had my health issues (now all resolved, thank God) and a lot of helping our kids & young grandsons because of our daughter-in-law’s health issues (almost all resolved).
We don’t see why it’s happened as an excuse. The reality is if there’s anything ugly in us, pressure will bring it out. And sadly this tends to be especially true with our spouse.
When this happens, you have several choices:
- Blame your spouse.
- Get defensive.
- Use it to be better in the future.
I’ve gotten good at not doing the first. I still struggle with the second to a degree. Fortunately, I’m getting better and better at the third.
I think trying to understand why we react badly is a worthwhile endeavour. If you can find a trigger your wife tripped over, dig until you understand why it’s a trigger, and deal with it. But if you can’t find the why, or if figuring it out doesn’t change things, you need to work on not reacting badly regardless. Think and pray about it and try to catch it before you do it next time. At first, you will fail, but if you work at it you will slowly improve.
As I have told myself several times recently, even if Lori was wrong, even if she was rude, what I did was unacceptable. Her being wrong never justifies my being ugly any more than my being wrong justifies her being ugly.
He’s getting better, but he gets very upset if things don’t go his way, and will project blame. For example, he wanted a book that is out of print and not available at any online book seller or local library. He got angry at me for not finding it. I came up with a great zinger to launch at him. I mean, a really clever play on words attack. But, I just walked away. He knows he is unreasonable. He calmed down later. Rarely apologises, but calms down, and actively tries to do better.
If I used the zinger it would have put him in attack mode. Then it gets really ugly. It wasn’t worth ruining our weekend.
@Libl – Well done!
How many of us realize that crankiness, feuding, insults and being emotionally distant is really dangerous to a relationship?
We have the capacity to make a quick decision to step on the brakes whenever the light turns yellow at an intersection, because we recognize how dangerous it is to run a red light.
Why treat our cars better than we treat the emotional well being of our relationship? (or ourselves)
When spouses can have a thought provoking conversation about how to communicate with each other, it is then they will trust one or the other to understand the real danger of feuding or anger and give a reminder when voices elevate to say “we agreed not to do this” (before insults are exchanged)
That is when we have mastered stepping on the emotional brakes and making it easier to discover soothing compromises, which can mutually stimulate the mind and deepen one another’s mutual love.
Wish I discovered this growing up as a child, but hey it is never too late. (should be taught in schools and churches)
@David – Great thoughts!