Imagine you were not happy with the meals you were having. Not enough, not very good, and no variety. Do you think watching a bunch of cooking shows on TV would make you more or less unhappy about the situation? Clearly, seeing all that wonderful food and still being stuck with something far less would increase your frustration.
Many of us do this with our sexual hunger. Our sex life with our wife falls short of what we need in terms of frequency as well as what we want in terms of quality and variety, so we turn to porn. We increase our sexual frustration by looking at what we don’t have. This makes us feel worse, not better, about our sex life. It sets the bar even higher, making it less likely our wife will ever succeed in giving us what we want.
The hunger is real, and the need is valid. And it’s natural that our hunger drives us to cooking shows or porn. But it’s not a good plan. Make the hard choice and stop looking. It’s better for you, for your marriage, and for your sex life.
Why the assumption that men seek porn because of a ‘bad’ sex life? Most men have a porn habit prior to a in real life physical sexual relationship with a partner. Which probably means they came to real sex with rather unrealistic expectations. In reality their porn use is what has probably created the bad sex life in the first place.
@K – I have often said most men come into marriage with a porn habit. I’ve also suggested that exposure has hurt their ability to have a good sex life with a real live person.
But as closertotheheart says most (at least Christian guys) make an effort to stop.
And none of this changes the fact that more porn use only makes matters worse.
@K
What Paul says is correct, at least for me. I see your point, but I think many husbands who come into a marriage with a history of viewing porn make the effort to taper off or stop on their own. If the marriage and intimacy stay strong, there’s no reason to go back. But if the intimacy starts to drop off in quantity and quality, it’s a real struggle not to go back to it. Personally, I stopped in the beginning of our relationship, then gradually went back to it as our sex life got worse. Then at some point I decided to stop again despite our sex life not getting better. After a year without porn and no improvement in our love life, I finally confessed to her. She had no idea and was shocked that I had turned back to it but saw the role she played in making it harder for me not to. At that point, she made a huge effort in being more intimate with me and it’s been so much easier to resist the temptation. We’re both enjoying intimacy more than ever and the temptation for me to turn back to porn is gone. We’re still not where I’d like it to be, but we’re so much more intimate than we’d ever been before that I recognize how much effort she’s putting into our intimate life and that makes all the difference.
“I think many husbands who come into a marriage with a history of viewing porn make the effort to taper off or stop on their own. If the marriage and intimacy stay strong, there’s no reason to go back. But if the intimacy starts to drop off in quantity and quality, it’s a real struggle not to go back to it. Personally, I stopped in the beginning of our relationship, then gradually went back to it as our sex life got worse.”
That certainly describes me. No porn usage in the first years of our marriage. Then child #1 came along and sex fell off completely for years. So yeah, I turned to porn. It’s certainly not something I’m proud of (Romans 7 here…), and I would’ve moved heaven and earth to get my wife to see sex as an important component in marriage.
And no, my expectations have never been unrealistic. My ideal sex life (even in the honeymoon phase) would be 2x/week, with occasional oral sex thrown in. But apparently that’s just a bridge too far.
Willing and available wife here.
This was triggering for me because we have just lost a child and my husbands go to stress relief is porn.
And despite lots of you saying in your eyes porn is not cheating. In this wife’s eyes and many other wives too, porn use is viewed as breaking the marriage vows. So a double whammy I have to grieve over now.
@K – I’m so sorry. For what it’s worth, I think it’s cheating. And so does Jesus!
Thanks Paul. Life is just really hard at the moment.
Yeah Closer to the heart, I realise it is probably true for you but it isn’t for me or some other women around here.
I do appreciate you sharing your story and am encouraged by your desire and ability to do the right thing despite adverse conditions.
I guess I’m happy that somebody, somewhere, is enjoying quality and variety.
@Art. Unfortunately it doesn’t fix issues of shame that were well developed in your childhood. Talking about it has been way more useful.
I stopped masturbating. I changed denominations and it is considered a sin where I am now, and I can see why. It never was an “out” God gave me to release sexual tension and avoid greater sin. It was gateway to greater sins and greater sickness. That’s like saying God allows us to beat up our dogs so we don’t abuse our wife or kids.
Self control has brought me farther than giving in. Replacing the act with prayer is more fruitful. Respecting God, my spouse, myself, my time has been better than “giving in and getting that feeling out of the way.”
@Libl – So what is the way of escape from sexual temptation for teenagers? And why is it not working for the vast majority of them?
I’m sure that my comment is an unpopular opinion around here, but I hope that anyone of the Catholic faith seriously considers practicing their religion privately, as attending mass and supporting the Catholic Church financially is continuing to promote a huge bureaucratic organization which routinely shields pedophiles and child molestors from the consequences of their actions 🤷♀️ Not to mention promoting teaching which is contrary to the Bible, the inerrant word of God, teaching that hurts people, women, and children, by placing burdens upon them that Jesus never intended them to have.
And please don’t tell me that no religion is perfect— there are sinners in every faith, since we are all sinners— but the Catholic Church is particularly egregious in both teaching and practice.
@Tory – I am no defender of the RCC or their history on this issue, but to be fair I would like to make a couple of points:
1) A year ago Pope Francis made some major changes to prevent the Church from hiding/protecting sexual abuse. We can agree it took to long, but it’s happening now.
2) Good research finds that less than 1% of those who were molested as children were molested by a priest. A child is FAR more likely to be molested by a teacher, a doctor, service group leader, youth worker, or a household employee.
The problem with going overboard with the RCC is we give the more common molesters cover.
I think society has changed and for a PORTION of porn users the draw is that one doesn’t have to adhere to a minimum of adult expectations in order to get what you want. One doesn’t have to go to work, wash or treat their partner with a minimum of dignity. The “model” woman just puts out and expects nothing in return and this view seems almost be tolerated as okay by some who give marriage advice. I don’t recall that view as being acceptable at the time I was married, but I guess things have changed.
Agree with K, in a variety of ways, porn makes for a bad foundation.
I don’t quite get the food analogy. Most of us are capable of cooking. Cooking shows are good clean fun. If I want some ethnic food that my husband would never lower himself to eat–I’ll just ask my son to share some takeout when DH won’t be home.
Porn often shows things that aren’t possible or loving in the Christian marriage bed—-threesomes, acts that are painful etc., so of course it will appear to be “far less”
My husband refused two hot homecooked meals yesterday. That is his own weird way of flipping me the bird. I have no idea what I have done–but I must have done something. In the past I would feel like crying when he would do something like that—but now why waste the tears.
@Denise – If you don’t cook, for whatever reason, watching cooking shows will result in you being even less happy with poor quality and insufficient food.
I think I am a decent cook. I plan meals ahead of time. I fix a variety of foods. I take menu requests from Mr. B. Still, he keeps watching cooking shows. Over and over, decade after decade. So, now he is free to do so, and I have put away my chef’s hat.