Friday Flashback: Why She Might Solo

Masturbation among married women is not nearly as rare as many people think. Various studies have put the numbers from 40% to 60%. A third of married women masturbate at least monthly. Why would a woman with a willing husband do that?

• Because he’s out of town.
• She is trying to learn how her body works so sex is better. Or she is learning how to have an orgasm.
• Stress relief.
• Because her husband expects her to climax after far too little foreplay, and if she manages to climax, it’s weak. Or he expects her to orgasm from intercourse alone, which most women can’t do.
• To get to sleep.
• Due to relationship problems, she’s not feeling like having sex with her husband but still has a sex drive.
• He’s not so willing. There are more and more women living with guys who don’t want much sex (some but not all of these guys are into porn and masturbation).
• He’s not saying no, but he’s not giving her as much as she wants or what she wants.

You will notice that some of those are a result of a failure on the part of the husband. If you think you may be short-changing your wife in any of these ways, please KNOCK IT OFF!

I know this is a touchy subject *. Even if you don’t feel masturbation is inherently wrong, the idea of your wife doing it apart from you can be uncomfortable. Let me give you a few bits of information that may help.

• It’s certainly not a bad thing to have a wife who has sexual urges. If she is masturbating that shows she wants and enjoys sex. If she’s doing it on her own but not having sex with you, odds are there are non-sexual problems in your relationship that are getting in the way. Fix those, and she will bring her sex drive to you!
• Women aren’t like men. If you masturbate during the day, you have less drive and less ability to have sex in the evening. And even if you manage, it won’t be as good. This is not the case for the majority of women. In fact, many women say they are more interested in sex with hubby come bedtime if they have done something earlier in the day. Other women report that a bit of masturbation during the day makes for easier and better sex when they make love.
• Sex tends to be a use it or lose it thing for women. If she is sexless for a few years (or having sex, but not climaxing) changing that later is going to be difficult at best. If you’re unavailable or unable for any reason, or if she is unable to enjoy sex with you for any reason, DIY sex can keep things working for her so the two of you can have a good sex life down the road.
• Men enter marriage with a very good understanding of their sexual parts: what feels good and what feels great. This is far less common for women and some enter marriage without having had an orgasm – ever, in any way. While some women do learn how to climax with their husbands, others cannot learn this way. Self-exploration is a surer and faster way for a woman to learn what feels good and how to orgasm. Once she knows these things, she can teach her guy.
• Even if she is having orgasms with you, solo sex can help her to learn more about her body so that sex with you is better. A woman’s body changes a great deal over her lifetime and that includes significant sexual changes. Give her the freedom to keep learning so sex with you is all it can be. Many women have their first multiple orgasms during masturbation, then later with hubby.
• Finally, and you really need to hear this, women in good marriages don’t choose masturbation or sex toys over their husbands. For women sex is relational and you can’t have a relationship with your hand or a vibrator. My point here is you should not fear losing her to solo sex. If she chooses that over you, the problem is not that she is masturbating, but that there is something wrong with your relationship, or that you refuse to learn how to be a good lover.

Please: Don’t use this post as an excuse to ask your wife if she masturbates. If she does and has not mentioned it, there is a reason for that, and until that reason changes, the question is likely to cause problems. On the other hand, if you think she might be doing it, but is concerned about how you would feel about it – or if you think maybe she would like to but doesn’t – it would be nice to give her “permission”. This post might be a good tool for doing that.

*Note: The pun was unintentional, but once I saw it I just had to leave it! :-)

[This post first appeared April 2, 2011.]

A post worth reading:

The Forgiven Wife | Solo Masturbation? ◄ A woman’s take on this issue/

Image Credit: © Elena Helade | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.