One important difference between an affair and being married is married people sleep together after they “sleep together”.
Yeah, sex is great; but so is sleeping together. Snuggling, falling asleep, reaching a foot out in the middle of the night to feel that she is there, and waking together. All of this is great and very good for a marriage. Beyond that, there’s a lot going on that we can’t see or measure: things that are a result of prolonged exposure to the scents and pheromones of our spouse. Unless you work together, from the same chair, there’s no other way to get the level of exposure you get from sleeping in the same bed. Science is still working out all that it does for us, but it’s becoming clear that it helps to synchronise a couple in many ways, including emotionally and sexually.
Sadly it is increasingly common for couples to not sleep together or for one to come to bed after the other is asleep, and then for the one who went to bed first to get up while their spouse is still asleep. There’s no shortage of reasons and excuses for this, but in many of these situations, the couple is putting other things ahead of being in bed together and that’s bad for their marriage.
Do what it takes to sleep at the same time in the same bed:
- Earplugs (These are the bomb!)
- Snore Guard
- White noise machine
- Sleep mask
- A bed where each side can be set to a different firmness
- If one of you really needs less sleep, go to sleep together, and do your best to crawl back into bed when the other wakes.
[This post first appeared April 1, 2011.]
A post worth reading:
Marriage Confetti | How to Get a More Successful Marriage by Changing your Filter ◄ Is your RAS causing marriage problems?
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We go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every morning. Honestly, I just do it now to avoid an argument. I would prefer to have a separate bed in a separate bedroom. She thinks that as long as we are physically in the bed at the same time, everything must be fine with our marriage. It doesn’t matter that the only thing we do there is sleep. I feel like sleeping in the same bed is a lie.
@H – Yeah, I can see that.
My husband prefers sleeping in our guest room because he says he gets a better night sleep in there. The baby is currently in her crib next to my side of the bed in the master bedroom, and hubby has zero tolerance for midnight crying or me getting up to breastfeed in the middle of the night; he’s a very light sleeper. I miss sleeping in the same bed as him. Having sex then going to our own separate bedrooms makes me feel used. I can’t wait for this life stage to be over.