Two weeks ago in What Is The Purpose Of Sex? I suggested God intends for sex to make us feel close, connected, and intimate.
I also said that “God gave us that strong drive to ensure we would have sex regularly.” However, our drive can get in the way of connection, closeness, and intimacy. This is particularly true if we’re not having nearly enough sex, but it can happen for other reasons. Being desperate for sex interferes with taking your time and making sex good. The goal becomes release, not connecting.
I’m not going to tell you this reaction is wrong because you can’t stop it. Neither am I going to tell you the solution is more self-control on your part. Even if you fake it very well, you’re still faking it. You won’t be able to feel what you should because your mind and body will be screaming for orgasm from the moment you start. The only solution is to have sex more often. (Sorry. You can do it, take one, or several, for the team!)
Of course, you’re probably in this situation because your wife says no to sex much of the time. If it was up to you I’m sure you’d be having enough sex to avoid this problem. So what do you do?
If your wife sees sex as a way to connect and be intimate, you have a chance. Explain to her you want that too, but you often miss out on it because you’re so desperate for sex most of the time. Tell her it would be like not having eaten for several days and then going to a leisurely two-hour seven-course meal. That first little appetiser would just make you more hungry and you would be unable to engage in nice conversations because you would struggle to think about anything other than when the next course is coming.
The solution to the problem and the way to make sex what God intended it to be, is for you to climax more often. This is the only solution. There are three ways to make that happen, listed below in descending order of preference:
- The two of you make love more often.
- She offers some sex just for you (a quickie or a handjob).
- She encourages you to masturbate as needed. Preferably with her there with you.
And of course, you could mix and match two or all three of these.
The other part of this is you need to be ready to make any changes necessary for this to work. Among other things, that means having enough non-sexual time with her and going to bed together most nights. It also means not pushing your sex drive higher by what you view online and on TV.
I realise a lot of women will reject this idea. Ultimately, it comes down to how serious she is about having the kind of sex God intended the two of you to have. If you think this post and the one I linked to at the top might help, email them to her or print them out.
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I think a combination of all three of these can help a lot of husbands not be so frustrated and irritated about sex. I don’t think most wife’s realize the sexual frustration we have.
We have used all three of these, but no longer use number 2. Wife says handjobs are too much work and we don’t do quickies. She does let me masturbate, but we ALWAYS do it together, never alone. We started this several years ago. If she didn’t want sex, I could masturbate, which was about every other time. Over the years, her loss of desire and health issues, it turned into I would just masturbate with her which is ok. We rarely have full sex anymore.
But I enjoy laying next to her and being intimate and she says she enjoys that part too.
I think this is important for couples to talk about, but it can be difficult.
His sex drive isn’t the problem
This is my life. We have sex about 10 times a year. Sometimes 2-3 times all in one week, and then months of nothing after that. She refuses to compromise so solutions 1 and 2 are off the table. She knows that I have resorted to 3 but doesn’t want to be present when it happens because it makes her uncomfortable. She doesn’t expect me to stop, but she’s not encouraging me either. She just wants no part of my “ridiculously high sex drive”. To her, it’s an inconvenient flaw in me that she “kindly overlooks” in order to maintain the facade of a happy marriage.
H, I think my wife was like that for many years, she tolerated sex and my sex drive to maintain a marriage. We were going to split up once, but she begged me back. It wasn’t like I wanted sex daily, but I needed it at least twice a week, maybe a little more, but that was too much.
After we retired, she said she would have sex twice a week, every week. We did that and I thought it was great, but after 3 or 4 months, she said I was “wearing her out” on sex, really? Twice a week? I wasn’t asking for more either. She said she couldn’t do it that often and that is when she told me to masturbate more to give her a break.
“Of course, you’re probably in this situation because your wife says no to sex much of the time. If it was up to you I’m sure you’d be having enough sex to avoid this problem.”
Having seen numerous posts and comments lately about women being the higher-drive spouse, I’m surprised that J.Parker didn’t comment here to that effect. She and others in her cohort believe it is a myth that men always have a much higher drive. They claim that maybe even as many as 50% of women have a higher drive.
I am highly skeptical. This post strongly suggests that you would be, too. What do you think of that claim?
Just because higher drive women exist, doesn’t negate the fact that lower drive women exist. This post refers to the latter. Both situations can and do occur though.
@OKRickety – I’ve never seen a credible source to support 50%. I could go with a third, but even that exceeds what studies show. But at least a quarter of women want more sex than their husband is willing to provide, and that figure seems to be growing.
And yes, it’s just as wrong for a husband to say no as itis when a woman does it.
It is sad to the point of depressing when one does and one doesn’t and it’s the one thing not open for discussion.
We used to enjoy each other so often on the weekends, we would lose track after 10 or 12 times in a day… now 7 years later not even that in a year and we can’t talk about it. Would appreciate any advice or suggestions.
You’re gradually moving towards “clinically sexless” with those numbers. You better start talking with her about it quickly or you will end up having to join iliasm.org before too long. Once you reach that point, resolving the situation is not very likely.
@WR – You have gone from one extreme to the other. The question is why.
Did your wife really enjoy sex early on? She may have said she did, but was saying what she thought she should. And having orgasms doesn’t mean she wanted or enjoyed the sex. If she was hoping that just doing it would make it work out and it didn’t, that could explain the issue.
Having kids can do this for some women.
Relationship issues can do it.
Other things outside the marriage can do it.
If you don’t know why it changed, you are shooting in the dark.