My wife regularly hears from women frustrated with a husband who expects her to reach climax as quickly as he does; or even worse, a woman who wants to know what’s wrong with her for “taking so long”. When guys ask about how long it “should take” for a woman to reach climax, what most mean is, “Why does it take her so long?” or “What’s wrong with her?”
How long does it take women to get to orgasm? Some women can, sometimes, go from fully dressed to fully satisfied in five minutes. Some women rarely get there in less than an hour. These are the extremes, and both are rare. Most women who climax during intercourse need ten to twenty minutes of penetration AFTER good foreplay. Some are faster, some take longer. Orgasm by other methods usually takes less time, but not significantly. So, including foreplay, if you can get her there in twenty minutes consider her on the quick side of normal. Half an hour is more common, and longer is hardly rare.
Why does it take women longer to climax than it takes guys? It’s not because men are bad lovers. Studies on solo masturbation show it takes women about three times as long to reach climax as it takes men. For whatever reason, women’s bodies just don’t react as quickly. It’s how God made her, so accept it and figure out how to work with it. My guess is God made women “slower” to help learn to enjoy the journey as much as the destination. There’s so much more to enjoy than those few seconds of pleasure “at the end”.
So, there is nothing wrong with her, and you’re not a bad lover; now what? Can you do anything to help her climax a bit more quickly? Yes. And you can also do things that will cause it to take a lot more time.
- Time stress is a real problem. If she thinks it’s taking too long, that will make it take even longer. You can make this better or worse by what you say and how you react. She needs to know her climax is important to you; that you don’t feel satisfied until she’s satisfied. Let her know you’re happy to give her all the time she needs.
- Rushing can result in a faster but less pleasurable climax. A couple more minutes can make a huge difference. Let her know you understand this and you see quality as more important than speed. In addition to letting her enjoy more, this further reduces her time stress.
- Let her decide how long foreplay lasts. Both too little and too much can slow her getting to climax.
- If you’re trying for climax during intercourse, her being on top can greatly improve things as it allows her to move and get what she likes and needs.
- Enjoy yourself and make sure she knows you’re enjoying yourself. This is a real turn on and it helps her relax.
- Asking her about her progress will only make her aware of the time and slow things down. If you must ask her about this ask what she wants rather than anything that sounds like “Are we there yet?”
- For women, climax requires feeling safe, relaxed, and not at all distracted. You can do a great deal to help her with these things:
- Let her unwind before you start any hint of foreplay. Five minutes of talk before sex can cut ten minutes off the amount of foreplay she needs.
- Relax her body with a bit of massage where she’s stiff or sore.
- Make sure you have privacy – no chance of someone walking in, no fear of someone hearing.
- If there’s a phone where it could be heard, it needs to be totally silent. Just hearing it vibrate can be a problem.
- Make sure she’s comfortable – good position, warm or cool enough.
- Be clean – she’s more sensitive to odours and they can distract her.
- Trying to carry on a conversation is going to distract her. Don’t say much and try to say things that don’t indicate you expect a response. If you need to ask her something, try to word it so she can answer with a single word.
[This post first appeared March 12, 2011.]
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With some good foreplay, my wife orgasms within 3 or 4 minutes max. We always use a vibrator on her clit and it doesn’t take long. Sometimes she orgasms within a minute and calls it her premature orgasm.
@ron – Yes, female premature orgasm is a thing. And those who suffer from it wish they could last longer.
I don’t think I had ever heard of that.
We don’t have a lot of sex, but when we do, it usually doesn’t take her long to finish. Sometimes she lasts longer, but I would say 2/3 of the time, she orgasms in less than 3 or 4 minutes and sometimes only lasts a minute or so.
Agreed 💯on all the bullet points. I hope many men read this and take heed! Signed, a high-drive woman who climaxes easily and quickly, but STILL not as easily as a man.
My wife is definitely sensitive to the “time stress” thing. It really gets in her head and causes problems even though I always work to support her and tell her it doesn’t matter how long it takes, as I’m enjoying myself.
For the foreplay bullet, it’s like trying to hit a moving target. The desired amount is different each time, and she doesn’t let me know it’s “enough” until it’s way past the desired amount. Honestly, after the “unwind”, we probably do better to begin immediately rather than end up with too much foreplay.
For the “unwind” bullet, this is really important for us. I call it “the daily dump”, where she tells me all about her day. I try to get this to happen everyday, regardless of sex. It can last up to an hour, though 15-20 minutes is more normal. It’s almost like a love language to her.
Oh, and in terms of positions, I think the most important things for her are (1) positions that feel good, (2) positions that are comfortable (taking WOT out of it for her, as she’ll tire in that position), and (3) positions that let her “move” to finish her ascent.
I am i the same boat as ron. My wife will reach O in 3min or less sometimes. And that is no four play just drop clothes and go. I kind of wish it would take longer as i hear people talk of 30 min to a hour of sex and we are almost always done in 5 minutes or less and i feel like i am missing out on a lot.
@Bumble – This is something that is just starting to get some discussion among sexologist. One study, done in 2005, found that 40% of women sometimes climax before they want to, and 3% always do so. And most of them find it distressing.
I wish this was the case Paul but she starts telling me well dosen’t look like it is going to happen for you tonight if we are starting to get close to 10 minutes. She will have had 2 or 3 by then and decided she is done. She dosen’t want it to go any longer and will just stop. She has told me many times that she doesn’t want this to take all night. So 5 minutes later we have our clothes back on and she is back to watching TV. Then a month later we do the same thing again. I have given up hope that it will change.