This is a follow up on yesterday’s post on fear.
One place this fear is common in marriages is playing it safe. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t ask a question unless you know the answer. Don’t offer an opinion she might not like, and by all means, don’t suggest doing something a different way!
I see this behaviour in men who take risks in the way they play. I also see it in men who take big risks in business. So it’s not just, or at least not always, about the man being afraid of risk.
Maybe it’s because we don’t understand marriage, or don’t understand women. Perhaps we can’t imagine dealing with the fall out of taking a risk in our marriage. But just as playing is safe is a sure way to have a small life, it’s a sure way to have a small marriage.
I don’t see how a woman can respect a man who never takes a risk in their marriage. I also suspect it’s part what is behind some women just walking away after a couple of decades.
Sure it could go wrong. But it could also go very right. And if your marriage is one wrong action or question from divorce, you don’t really have a marriage and you’re just running out the clock.
A post worth reading:
Knowing Her Sexually | Tapping into Your Wife’s “Love Hormone” ◄ Been too long since I mentioned oxytocin. This covers it well.
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It is because everything upsets her, nothing works. Cleaning the house doesn’t work, handling the kids doesn’t work, nothing works, she’s just bound and determined to be unhappy and blame him for everything. You eventually stop trying to do anything.
Mykidsmademedoit, were you spying on me? That is my life to a T. I am not risk opposed but my wife is terrified by the thought of risk or the unknown. She has no vision and is not willing to take a risk. One example is I tore out a old raised paver patio and we were in discussions over what to replace it with. We got quotes for a deck in the 25K range and a patio was 15-25K i told her i could do it for less. I let her make all the changes she wanted to the design i was told she wanted. After i started she kept on saying that we should have just paid someone over and over. I finished the whole thing in 3 weeks taking Friday and weekends off and with permits and rentals i was all in at 19.5K less then the quotes we had. But i was still told i spent to much money. I am tired of taking risks because even though i am normally on the high side and have a good guess on what i am doing i am continually berated and harrassed about how we should not be taking these risks.
Yea. I still take risks, I just try not to spend too much time worrying about my marriage.
When, by their action, inaction, deflection, stonewalling, stalling, a person tells you over and over through more than a decade that they do not want to pursue a passionate marriage with you, just believe them.
So, I try to blunt resentment (I am better at it sometimes than others) and do things that I want to do for me and my kids. Anything I do for her is genuine service with no hope or expectation. I gave up hope quite awhile ago.
I’ve had a very low success rate when taking risks in my marriage. So low that every time I consider it now, my anxiety levels go through the roof. I was trained by her reactions that it’s just not worth it.