Covenant Eyes, a resource for those struggling with porn and other sexual sins, has an interesting article entitled Two Ways Christian Accountability Goes Bad. The two ways they give are “legalistic drift” and “looseness drift”. I mention this because I see the same two problems in marriages, and particularly in the way husbands lead, or don’t lead, in their marriages.
The legalistic husband has written a rulebook and carries a magnifying glass. Any missing of the way he sees the world designated mark, by any amount, is going to be seen and punished dealt with. There’s no grace, and there are no allowances for things that make it difficult or impossible to meet the demanded expected goals. Of course, these men are impossible to please, and over time, their wives tune out, lash out, run out, or quietly fall into depression and obscurity.
The loose husband is afraid of making waves. He doesn’t offer an opinion or express any expectations lest he offends or upset his wife. If she is too hard on the kids, he excuses it. If she is mean to people, he assumes they deserve it. If she lies, he looks the other way – or even covers for her. While these men seem easy to get along with, over time their wives may lose all respect for them. Without the support a husband is supposed to provide, women married to men like this are at a greater risk of driving off friends, making a mess of their children, moving into questionable doctrine, or following after things that are destructive to their marriage. At best, she falls well short of what she could be.
Somewhere between controlling ogre and irrelevant pushover is the husband every woman needs. A man who understands both grace and the danger of sin. A man who can express his feelings, desires, and what he thinks is right without making his wife feel verbally beaten. A man who can love his wife, in a way she can feel, even when he says she has crossed a line. It’s not easy to be that man and she won’t always be happy with you in the moment, but over the long run you, your marriage, your wife, and your children will all be better than if you lean too far towards legalism or looseness.
[This post first appeared February 27, 2011.]
Gary Thomas | Delicious Difference ► The wonder and joy that comes from men and women being different.
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