Do you have regret over sex you had before marriage? I don’t mean do you know it was wrong, nor am I asking if you’ve repented. Do you regret it?
A lot of men would say no. They may be sorry they went against God’s Word, but they still have fond memories of that “forbidden fruit” and they don’t feel regret over it. Let’s face it, it’s difficult to feel regret over something we enjoyed.
For many women, however, sexual regret is a major thing. Even if it’s been a couple of decades it still stings when they think about it. Even worse, that regret is having a negative impact on their sex life now. And all of this can be true for sex she had with you, even if it started after you got engaged.
Men engage in premarital sex because they want to have sex. Women often engage in premarital sex for other reasons. Some do it because they know it’s expected. Many fear they won’t get another date, much less a marriage proposal if they don’t “put out”. Some just didn’t know how to say no, while others got tired of saying no. And even among those who wanted to have sex, orgasm is far from a given. Throw some guilt on top of that, and regret is a strong possibility.
I say all of this so you will understand her reality. Telling her she’s being silly or that it’s in the past won’t help. And not sharing her regret over what the two of you did together may cause her to question your commitment to the Lord.
Accepting that this is common for women and sharing in her sorrow is your best option.
A post worth reading:
Hot, Holy & Humorous | What Will It Take to Make Sex Happen? ◄ If it’s not happening often enough, what needs to change?
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The other issue I forgot to mention in xycode is that to this day women who have sex before marriage are still considered “used, tainted, broken.” It is still a thrill to be the one to end her virginity. So, she may regret deeply giving that much to someone unworthy of it. Even though we didn’t have intercourse until marriage, and even though I wanted to marry him anyway, a part of me felt obligated to because I had given a lot of myself sexually to him.
I can’t quite call it regret, though.
Real-life experiences play a part with this. When I married the first time, I was still a virgin just shy of 25 years old. The girl I married was not – and I knew that going into the marriage. She was actually the one who tried to get me to give in, but I would not. In retrospect, I had often wondered if I had’ve given in, perhaps it would have saved me years of misery in a marriage that ultimately ended years later. I think maybe it was because we had kids together that we stuck it out as long as we did. She told me in the end that the real attraction to me was that she viewed me as a challenge, which made sense because I don’t think she was ever really invested into our marriage anyway. So, when I met the woman (post-divorce) several years later that would ultimately lead to my 2nd marriage, this wasn’t as important to me. In my heart I knew it should still be considered important, but due to my rather painful experience I didn’t treat it as such, and her past experience I would consider more painful than what mine was. My wife and I have had this discussion a few times over the past few years and we both have admitted some regret in not waiting.
Do non-Christian women have the same amount of regret? I read the article and it was more about people posting about missed connections.
I don’t regret sex I had, I regret opportunities I missed.
@mykidsmademedoit – As I said, I had issues with the study.
Yes, non-Christian women show more regret than non-Christian men. I see it all the time over on Quora. I would guess that it’s less than Christian women, but I can’t prove that. And all the issues I listed above are in play. In fact, it tends to be worse for non-Christain women because they have “no excuse” for not having sex.
Interesting
I think even with non-Christian women, there is a lot of fear of being used by men. If you have sex and you end up getting married, well, then you maybe didn’t get used. If you had sex, and it all went to crap…you were used. It’s all through non-Christian media, women being used through sex, and it feels degrading and like you aren’t valuable. In general, it seems men feel valuable through someone having sex with them, well for women, unless that man is willing to put deep emotional connection with sex, a woman often ends up feeling used.
@Wheat48 – I think you’re right across the board.