“When you tell yourself that something is a need, three things follow. First, you feel entitled to the thing, because, after all, it is a need. Second, because it is a need, you feel it’s your right to demand it. And third, you then judge the love of another person by his or her willingness to deliver the thing.” ~ New Morning Mercies: A Daily Gospel Devotional” by Paul David Tripp
So what if we apply that to sex? When you tell yourself you need sex, do you feel entitled to it? Do you demand it? Do you judge your wife’s love by her willingness to deliver sex?
I’m not suggesting sex is unimportant or that you’re wrong or selfish for wanting it. But when you call it a need and don’t get it, that tends to cause problems in your marriage.
My suggestion is to alter your thinking just a bit. Rather than “I need sex” how about “Our marriage needs a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life”. I think seeing it that way creates different and better thoughts and feelings.
Image Credit: © Raman | stock.adobe.com
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Thanks for the sound advice here, Paul. It really can make all the difference in the world to a marriage that is struggling in the sexual arena. I especially appreciate your use of the word, mutual! Big and loving things can happen when the mind is able to step away from ‘self’ and see from an ‘us’ perspective.
If this is true with sex, then wouldn’t it also fit with … “I need communication” or “I need affection” or any other emotional need? Wouldn’t they all fit into this concept of feeling entitled?
Just thinking out loud.
@Trey Morgan – Yeah, any and all of those could be the same. And I’d say all of them are better approached as “Our marriage needs…”
Excellent concept.
The problem is not getting what you need. Your spouse is the only person you can provide for your sexual needs. Paul tells to “fulfill our marital duties” and not to “deprive” our spouse. If your spouse is not fulfilling their marital duties, they are the problem.
Maybe they aren’t cause you are the problem??
@Will “They are the problem”.
Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t. Why they don’t is a major factor. If they don’t do it because their spouse is drunk, abusive, unloving, or cares nothing about their pleasure, then the spouse is part of the problem.
I get the pain of sexual refusal, I’ve been there. Sometimes it comes down to the selfishness of the one refusing, but most of the time it’s not that simple.
Paul, the image you chose could also be used for a post about husbands’ oral hygiene.
@closertotheheart – I actually thought something along those lines. Morning sex first thing is a nice idea, but kissing is no on the menu!
what we need most, as men, is what I would refer to as “acceptance,” and for us, that generally equates to sex. It’s just the way we’re wired, no? You can’t demand acceptance, you can only hope for it. The bigger problem, as I see it, is that most women think of sex as a “seal of approval,” and if we aren’t pegging 100% on all of her “must have” list, then they feel like they’re approving poor performance. So they withhold as a way of motivating us to perform better. The problem is that we don’t usually have a clue where we’re missing it, or wouldn’t agree, if we did know. So, it just comes off as spite and unwarranted judgement…it’s sure to create resentment and hostility.
@Bill, in today’s world there is very much a “know thyself, love thyself” approach. We are encouraged to turn wants into needs for mental/emotional/spiritual health. I need silence and quiet alone time. I also need order and a nice aesthetic. One might say, “no you don’t NEED those to survive,” and that is true, but I need them to be well and thrive.
Is sex a need in the strictest sense? No. Is it a need, anyway? Yes.
I am a married woman. Hubby and I need sex. It produced our children, and it creates a bond. It reaffirms and solidifies our marriage. It creates body chemicals that helps us as a couple, and as individuals. It even helps identify our marriage.
Should something happen to hubby, I will still want sex, but I won’t need it, anymore, because I won’t be married, anymore. If I remarry, then sex will become a need, again.
Sure, in my widowhood, I will likely still have a libido that will feel like a need, and if it becomes that crucial, perhaps I ought to remarry than burn. Perhaps sex is somewhere between need and want. It is a drive to unite, bond, and procreate.
A drive.
Some might say, “well, so and so are married and they don’t have sex and are fine.” But, that’s an anomoly. That’s like saying someone who needs a feeding tube is ok without eating, so your spouse should be ok without eating, too.