Four months ago I asked the ladies over on The XY Code Why Isn’t This a Thing? The question was why manual sex, AKA a hand-job, was not more common for couples. I followed this up with a survey on the issue.
Part of my reason for asking this is my experience with my wonderful wife. When we were having a lot of trouble sexually, manual sex was a part of the solution for us. It kept me from losing my mind. It convinced me she was working on it, making it easier for me to relax and give her the time and space she needed. It was good for her too because it allowed her to feel she was taking care of me, and it took a lot of pressure off her. I think it also helped her become more sexual because she got to be a part of sex and pleasure in a safe way. I’m glad hand-jobs are no longer our primary sex act, but for a season it was a very good thing. I see this as a great tool couples can use to get from where they are to where they want to be sexually.
However, as I talk to others I find it’s rare for a wife to use her hand when he’s horny and she’s not. Our survey on the issue bears this out. While 78% of husbands said they would like to get hand-jobs, or get them more often, only a third of couples engage in the activity more than once a month and only 10% more than once a week.
Why are hand-jobs so uncommon?
- The most common reason women gave for not doing it, or not doing it more often, was “He gets all he wants” – chosen by 42% of women. The women who do our surveys are rather sex positive so their husbands are probably less sex hungry than many. However, I also suspect this reflects men’s failure to honestly communicate their sexual desires.
- The second most common reason women don’t do it, or don’t do it often, was “I don’t know how to do it well”. This answer was selected by 20% of all women, and by 43% of the women not doing handjobs.
- Twelve percent of women said they had never thought about it or discussed it.
- Eleven percent of women said, “Sex should be about more than physical release”.
In addition to these reasons women don’t do it or don’t want to do it, I think men have issues over hand-jobs
- One woman said she offers and her husband turns her down. Several said their husband was only interested in full sex. I understand the preference, but this is like turning down a hamburger because you want steak – when steak’s not available. If there’s a reasonable chance of steak soon, then saying no is sane. If you may not eat for days, saying no is a bad plan on many levels.
- Men are afraid accepting a hand-job lets their wife off the hook. They think they can guilt or pressure her into the sex they really want. In our survey, 31% of men said part of why they don’t want a hand-job is it will let her off the hook.
- Another issue is how it feels. Forty-three percent of men said they don’t find hand-jobs feel very good. While the steak and hamburger analogy is valid here, the bigger thing is she can learn to make it feel better. Emotionally it will never be as good as full sex, but physically it can be incredible. Give her some pointers, ask her to experiment, and give her good feedback.
If you want more sex than she wants, hand-jobs could be a blessing for both of you. It could also facilitate growth in your sex life. I know it’s not an easy discussion, but it may well be worth the effort.
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Some husbands just don’t like hamburgers, though. What I don’t understand is that if steak isn’t available, he’ll refuse hamburgers and choose ramen noodles (secret, solo masturbation) instead.
I would throw a kitten off a roof to get a hamburger from my husband!!!!
libl I don’t get it. I suspect there is a lot more going on than meets the eye, but I don’t know what.
I think the biggest hurdle for me is the mess. I would love some practical tips in this area. Condoms? Some sort of sleeve? If this is happening here it is probably partly because the situation isn’t supporting much more (time, kids). A messy cleanup afterwards would be a deterrent.
basstwo it really depends on how it is being done. You could do it in the shower… easy clean up. if you are lying down on the bed then you can catch it in some sensibly placed tissues so that mess and clean up is minimal. Just need to think strategically and find what works best for you and your partner.
Because I suck at them and he can do that himself. I’d rather give him oral if I’m not in the mood because that I’m great at and I’m the only way he’s getting that
basstwo As DD2 suggests, the show is one option. If he’s lying down, place a washcloth over his pubic hair and belly. With a bit of practice, most of the mess will end up on the washcloth, and anything on skin is easy to take care of. If desired keep a box of baby-wipes handy for additional clean up of him and her hands.
As for time, this can easily be done in five minutes. If she wants to be generous she can go longer. A woman who knows how to do it will have him literally begging to finish him by ten minutes.
[…] Can I get a hand? […]
If you’re worried about the mess, I suggest that the wife catch it in her mouth. Still way easier than oral sex, and finishing in her mouth will really enhance the husband’s enjoyment even if he considers hand jobs less than ideal.
(Linked to this post <a href=”http://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/christian-sex-links/best-christian-sex-links-of-the-week-19/”>here</a>.)
My wife is rare interested is sex as we have 3 young children.. She does it under sufferance for me. I asked my wife for a regular hand job but she has refused and only wants full sex. So now I have to beg her and watch her reluctantly lay there and put up with me. Its different when is interested though. Am I justified in satisfying myself? I love her and take my faith seriously but my sex drive is driving me mad. She knows this.
Gregory Reynolds I don’t think masturbation is a sin, but it’s a very poor choice for many reasons and can easily harm a marriage. Regularly taking care of it yourself would take the pressure off, which would mean you have far less sex with your wife, That would be a bad thing for both of you and for your marriage.
No. It’s not.
There are alot of physiological benefits from having an orgasm, whether alone or with a partner.
Obsessive masturbation isn’t good for you mentally, but using it as a way to relieve a build up sexual energy or stress on a semi regular basis is not a bad thing, nor will it harm your marriage. Just be honest with yourself and your partner. There is science to back this up.
Thanks for the reply. What else can I say to my wife though. If a hand job is not her choice and sex is too tiring what else can I do. Its not as though we have alot on sex anyway and I lay in bed unable to sleep and sit at work in pain from the tension. I masturbated in the shower the other night and it was very underwhelming but I felt empowered to release my tension. I do feel guilty though and never thought I would have to resort back to my adolescent ways.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. The Apostle Paul says that if we want sex, we ought to marry (very paraphrased), but what do we do when our spouse just won’t?
My advice to you is ask God.
I also suggest that you go to your wife with your desire for sex. Face the possible refusal. If she refuses, go ahead and masturbate as purely as possible. It is up to your discernment whether or not you tell her you are doing so. That depends on your marriage and what would hurt or help. If she does not refuse, but just lays there like a lump, go ahead and enjoy yourself the best you can and make sure you do all you can for her within her boundaries.
In the meantime, pray and work towards what God knows can break down her walls. I have suggested to men who broke trust in their marriages to start at the beginning with friendship and dating just like you did before marriage. This can apply here, too. Build her up. Build up the marriage. Increase non sexual intimacy the best you can and pray pray pray.
Get counseling for yourself. Let your pastor know what is going on.
Gregory Reynolds I think it’s good it was underwhelming; it should be about needed release, not an attempt to replace sex with your wife. Limit it to when you really feel it’s necessary.
I would also strongly encourage you to tell your wife you felt the need to do this and why. Her reaction will no doubt be negative, but she needs to know the truth. Explain it’s nothing like making love with her, but it takes care of the pain and distraction.
And then pray. Pray you can show your wife love and build her up. Pray for her to understand your need so she will be willing to make changes.
Thanks again. We have spoken about our lack of affection in general but my wife has said our sex life is basically over from an enjoyment point of view. She doesnt find me sexually attractive although she loves me. It has been great to talk about this. I have handed it o the Lord and will seek His way. I need to fihht for the sake of my family especially my sons who will fight this I am sure.