Sexual Fantasy – Her Secret Sin?

I recently posted the results of our survey on fantasising about someone other than your spouse. More men than women were guilty of this – but not by much. Forty percent of the men and 53% of the women had not had such fantasies in the last month. However, women were more likely to have such fantasies during sex! Among those who have such fantasies, 45% of women thought about another man during sex, while only 16% of men thought of another woman during sex. Doing the math, 10% of all the men and 24% of all the women have had a fantasy about another person while having sex with their spouse.

Why are more women than men guilty of this? Mostly is comes down to gender differences.

Men are all about seeing and interacting with a woman. If you have a naked woman there in bed with you – especially one you love enough to have married – why would you want to think about anyone else? For us sex is about our eyes and bodies, and those things easily keep our minds too busy to think about anyone else.

For women sex is far more about thoughts and feelings. What’s happening between her legs is enhanced or inhibited by what’s happening between her ears. Some women can climax from thoughts along, and many can get there without any touching below the waist if their emotions have been properly stroked. What she sees and feels in her body are not enough for her to have great sex. No matter how handsome, skilled, or well-endowed you are, it takes much more for her to ring the bell!

Many women fantasise during sex. In a survey we did earlier this year, 47% of women indicated they engage in fantasy during sex with their husband at least part of the time. Forty-five percent said they only think about their husband, and another 22% said more than 90% of their fantasies were about their husband, so it is not usually about wanting to be with another man. Women think about something “more exciting” to help them get aroused and reach climax.

However, more exciting probably doesn’t mean what you think it does. It’s less likely to be about the acts than the romance and feelings. She’s thinking about you slowly undressing her and laying her on a bed strewn with rose petals, not about you giving her ultimate oral sex. She’s thinking about being seduced over dinner, not being done on the table. If reality isn’t getting her where she needs to be, a bit of fantasy can make a huge difference. And, the fantasy may well be all about you. Maybe it’s not as much fantasy as thinking about a time when sex was romantically awesome.

My theory on women fantasising about other men is it usually shows a problem in the couple’s relationship. It could be her, or him, and it’s likely a combination of both of them. If she doesn’t feel he loves and cares for her as she thinks he should, she may find it difficult to have great sexual fantasies about him. Often these fantasies aren’t so much about another man as they are about no man in particular. A nameless, faceless man who treats her the way she wants to be treated.

Fantasy is a big deal to many women, and some flat out say they would rarely or never reach climax without it. I’m not justifying sin here, just stating facts. If her thoughts are all about you, she is not sinning, but one or both of you may be concerned about her needing to fantasize at all. I will write something on that next Saturday.

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