Anger is a huge issue in some marriages. Usually, it’s the man, but women can be guilty of it too. As I did some research on this I came across the term “rageaholic”. While not recognised as a valid diagnosis, some psychiatrists use the term.
Anger causes significant changes in our brains and bodies. Anger causes the emotional part of the brain to override the reasoning part. You’re not in “your right mind” at this point; you lose control and may later regret what you say or do.
There are hormonal changes associated with anger. The release of adrenaline gives you a power surge. Testosterone increases, while cortisol (the stress hormone) levels decrease.
Once anger takes hold it requires at least 20 minutes to return to a calm state. When anger has passed it’s common to feel a crash or let down. For some anger is followed by mild depression. There are some long lasting hormonal changes from anger, and these can last hours or days. Because of this, regular anger primes us to become angry more easily.
It’s easy to understand why someone would want to be angry. It feels good – initially. It feels powerful. Anger can get us what we want. Anger gives us an emotional release. Anger can push us to do things we want to do but would not normally do. The after effects of anger are similar to withdrawal, and one way to avoid the negatives is to get angry again.
Venting is commonly said to be a good way to deal with anger, but a growing body of research says otherwise. Yes, you feel better, but the long-term effects are damaging to your mind, your body, and your relationships. Suppressing anger is also harmful. So what to do?
Fortunately, anger is a choice. We don’t choose it in the moment, but our outlook on life and our self-image determines how easily we anger. If you feel angry often it will take a good deal of work, but you can change. First, take responsibility for your anger and for what you do when you are angry. Don’t blame the person or event that “made you” angry. When you calm down try to figure out why you got angry, and what you can do to avoid anger in similar situations in the future. What changes in your life outlook or self-image are necessary?
Please learn to deal well with anger until you learn to avoid it. When you feel anger do two things immediately: shut up, and walk away. When you’re angry you’re not in control and nothing good will come of what you say or do. Wait at least twenty minutes before you deal with what triggered your anger.
If you’re unable to stop anger on your own, get help. There are many anger management programs out there. One I know to be good is Overcoming Anger by Craig Hill.
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Nice one Paul. This is one area I battle. I am much better with more room for improvement. Shut up and walk away is the real challenge. I know what to do but I do not practice (sounds a bit like Paul the apostle).
“When you calm down try to figure out why you got angry” I have read that anger is often a secondary emotion/reaction, especially for men who have been taught to stifle their primary emotions (hurt, sadness, etc.) Figuring out why we feel angry can be uncomfortable when it means admitting emotions we were taught to suppress.
If anger management programs simply teach management techniques, it might be necessary for some to engage in professional counseling to resolve issues from the past. This was the case for me with weight loss. All the programs available were band-aids so to speak, and I needed counseling (the antibiotic) to start the healing process.
Thank you for challenging us to do better! :)
IntimacySeeker Yes anger is often a cover emotion (http://bit.ly/R0iMas) and many men feel it is a safe, manly way to feel.
I agree dealing with the past is usually necessary. Some have dealt with the past and just need to deal with left over habits, and a few have the will power to do it brute force.