You won’t hear many folks who say sex is not important in marriage, but plenty act as if it’s not important. Maybe the difference between words and actions suggests most of them know sex is more important than their actions say it is.
A study found above average sexual satisfaction was the number one predictor of being very happy in marriage, and that high sexual satisfaction was the number two predictor of not being prone to separation or divorce. These were true for both men and women. That means good sex results in a happier marriage and greatly reduces the chance of divorce. It is not a cure all, but it is significant and powerful, and nothing can take its place. If you have an otherwise “perfect marriage” and a poor sex life, you’re worse off than if you have an okay marriage and an okay sex life. If sex is a major problem in your marriage, and you care about your marriage, working on sex is the only sane choice. (And yes, not having much sex makes it a major problem.)
I want those who have chosen not to deal with sex to understand it really is a big deal, and ignoring it won’t make it go away. Forget the excuses, the reasons, the anger, the blame, and realise if it’s not fixed your marriage won’t be as happy as it could be. What’s more, you’re putting yourself at an increased risk of divorce. Given that, there is no good reason for allowing it to continue. Sexual refusal hurts the one who is told no, and when refusal happens often it sounds like “I don’t care about you, I don’t really love you”. Regardless of the reason behind the no, if refusal goes on too long, this is what it communicates.
Please note that this post was gender-neutral. About 30% of women want more sex than their husband, and his saying no is as harmful to the marriage as when the wife does it.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.ai
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DUH!! You don’t need to tell this to the men. Somebody needs to tell it to the women – preferably BEFORE they get married. And tell it to my wife. Treating sex as “optional” is NOT ACCEPTABLE.
John – At the start of this series I suggested a man get his wife to read it with him. I’ve hit men pretty hard this week, so any woman reading along should know I am not giving men a pass.
As for not needing to tell men, that is not the case. In a growing number of marriages it’s the man who is refusing. My guess is that this is the case in 15% or marriages.
Thank you, Paul. This is exactly what I was trying to say in my recent comment on the “Top Reasons for Divorce” post. Of course you say it more succinctly and you have a study to back up what you say.
Thank you.
I can relate to that article. I definitely fit in the “my drive was higher and she said no a lot”. So, I didn’t want to bother her and just took care of it myself a lot. A few years ago, I read a book that said a mate should at least ask for sex when they wanted it and if their partner said no, then they could masturbate if they felt like that needed it that bad. At least when you ask each time, your partner knows how much you want sex and desire them, if you don’t ask, they don’t know.
So, I told my wife how much I had wanted her over the years and didn’t always ask and from that day on, I never masturbate unless I ask for sex first. She still says no sometimes, too tired etc, but, I know we have a better relationship, have more sex than ever before and I don’t masturbate nearly as much. Things are a lot better! We were a 3 times a month couple,now it is probably 2 or 3 times a week.
Ron – You are exactly right, she deserves the right if “first refusal”. If a couple can also see sex as more than penis in vagina, this can really work well – having her do it by hand is a lot better than doing it yourself.
Where asking really pays off is when both spouses want more, but both are afraid to ask. It is sadly funny when couple find out they have both been masturbating, often the same nights.
A close male friend once told me prior to my marriage that for women, a lot of the relationship has to be right for the sex to be enjoyable, but for men, if they are enjoying enough sex with their spouse, everything is okay. My dh and I have a great sexual relationship–but my friend was right, nothing changes in the rest of the relationship because he’s happy with the sex life. Not happy…
Jane – Some guys do assume good sex means everything else is okay. If this is the case, you need to speak up so he knows that things are not all okay, and sex is good only because you have made a commitment to keep it that way even when there are things you need to change.
The reality is no woman can keep going sexually if things are not right and don’t get better, and men need to understand that.